The IC Winter Olympiad
Ten days into the XXI Olympiad and, as the magic of the winter games would have it, we have seen a myriad of stories thus far from Vancouver. There have been moments of triumph, moments of pain. Moments heartwarming, moments heartbreaking. And, as always, mixed into it all, we've seen a splash of the bizarre and a dash things downright inexplicable.
Let's recap.
Starting off in the two-man bobsled, Weiss & Bear, the upstart kids representing the separatist nation of San Anton, proved that proper guidance pays dividends. Coached by Gino, 6-time summer and winter games Gold medalist, and Ginger, known as the "bobsled whisperer", the San Anton duo took Bronze over the weekend. Through 3-quarters of the race, the duo held a World Record time, though fell to 3rd when Weiss showed Kevin a Sean Elliott highlight video he uploaded on his Iphone. The distracted duo slammed into the barrier, flipped, and violently jostled across the finish line. During the awards ceremony, trainer Gino showed his disappointment by shitting on Brian's New Balances during the San Anton national anthem, which is a 12-minute chant of "Go Spurs Go!". President David Robinson was not impressed.
In the Luge, the Gold Medal was stripped by AusTexndian speedster Matthew Chambers when it was learned his Luge had four-wheel drive, glass packs and room for 19 people. Upon his disqualification, Chambers played the heart strings of the judges when he unearthed his son Luke (pronounced "Luge") from within his 4x4 apparatus. Chambers was quoted as saying, "As a kangaroo to a joey, I carry he with me always." Though not awarded a medal, the anthem of AusTexndian was played in honor of the proud father. The AusTexndian anthem consists of gun shots, deers screaming, Charley Daniels and Ice Cube.
The Ice Dancing competition is the one event that has created the most buzz this week, as we saw the first attempted murder in Olympiad history. Representing the little nation of "Love fUK", a British isle, Adam Faust, known as Fairy Blood, wowed the crowd with his display of angry acrobatics, as he screamed while fluttering through the air doing a triple lutz, and appeared to cry on two occasions during the 3-minute routine. Faust's stirring performance wowed the crowd, but judge Brian Boitano stripped him of a half point for his cacophonous shout of "Queer Scabs!" as his routine came to a close. The point adjustment, which dropped Faust to 4th, was learned by Faust as he worked out on his Ab-Roller after the routine. Smiling, Faust approached Boitano with the Ab-Roller and began hammering the 5'2'' Boitano, savagely yelling, "Now who is the Queer scab?! Now who is the Queer Scab?!" Faust has been removed from all official Olympic records and his performance here is never to be rebroadcast again.
In the speed skating competition, former freestyle walking ace Lee Portillo, representing Chile (the dog, not the country), generated some controversy this week as, in a perceived strategic manuever, chose to wear an all-white skating jersey, which matched both his skin tone and the color of the ice. During his first heat, all that could be seen of Portillo was his 5 oclock shadow and the black Puma emblems of his skates. Using this invisible-man esque appearance, "stubble" as he was referred to by announcers, became somewhat of a Vancouver sensation, as fans around the Olympic village have attempted to emulate his skin-matching chameleonic wardrobe. After crushing the competition through the first several rounds, "Stubble" added to his lore by showing up to Finals with only one skate. When asked where his other skate was, Portillo answered, "Uhhhhh, maybe in my car. Don't know." Without his needed skate and wearing only stained blue jeans, Stubble wasn't much of threat in the finals, finishing 8th at a time of 2 hours and 18 minutes.
The first snowboarder from Central America may have actually caused his country more disappointment than pride, as Adam Williams of Costa Rica had what Al Michaels, in his typical quotable way, referred to as "The most unforgettably forgettable performance in Winter Games history". Racing against 4 other competitors, Williams halted the start of the race when it was learned the track was of "Blue" moutain status. Williams, who says he only does "like really short Green hills", actually took off his snowboard in protest and walked the track, throwing snow at competitors and stopping to puke near the first set of moguls. When asked about his performance and decision to remove his board, Williams told reporters, quote: "I was a Division One athlete." He then paused and asked "Were you?" Before ample time was given to respond, he stated, "I didn't think so." He then cackle scream laughed and farted in the direction of the camera. The fart was reported as smelling quite bad.
Stay tuned for the remaining four events....
They do thangs a lil different down here...
