Which of the items do you recognize?

Many of you were not here to witness Williams truck after the Red Dawg. It was red, and it was a truck, but that was about it. It was so small he had to cut a hole in the floor and pedal with his legs....

The popcorn, Lubahn?

The Slurpee, Mazur?

The milk, Chambers?

Carptenter posted these classic conversations in our fantasy league. I hope you find it as funny as I did....

During this past weekend, anyone who was over at Cleveland's house on Friday night got graced by Scotty G's presence. Let me tell you, it was classic. Here are how a couple of conversations went with the motivational speaker for car salesmen (that is his job now).

Nystrom: What's up Scott. Did you just get here?
Glasscock (after surveying the crowd): I am the baddest mother f-cker here aren't I?
Nystrom (completely shocked and confused): Wow

Me: What up Scotty G? What are you up to now?
Glasscock: Pretty much nothing.
Me: Wait, so you are looking for a job?
Glasscock: No, I have a job. I pretty much just sit on my couch and collect the paycheck! Me (Wanting to say, "Wait aren't you a motivational speaker for used car salesmen? Instead, walked away.)

On another side note: here is the conversation I had with Benson that same night:
Me: What up Scott? How are things?
Benson: What up Cleveland? Doing alright?
Me (deciding to go with it): Yeah, things are good.....good to see you.

The funny thing was that we were at Cleveland's house and Scott was calling me Cleveland....I guess we weren't that good of friends after all.

Who knew Carpenter was such a student of the human condition?

Alright, I've been thinking about this one for some time now. Not that I've had any awkward moments of my own lately, but, working weekends in a bar can expose you to a plethora of nauseating and painful interactions between genders.
Last night, for example, a girl was dressed as Hilary Swank from Million Dollar Baby. An unknown guy approached her and pretended to punch her repeatedly in the face. After a slight laugh, she realized this was his best attempt at conversation, however his Ike Turner-esque barrage continued for about 12 jabs. She looked at me (the bouncer) and said, ``Who the fuck is this guy?''.
Hearing her, he responded, ``C'mon, you know all girls like to be hit.''

She yelled ``Ugh, get the fuck away from me!'' as she stormed by. I stood awkwardly as he ``Glascocked'' his way out of it, acting as if he didn't care but deep down felt ashamed to not have anything more creative to induce conversation.

It made me think: What are the all-time most awkward/terrible moments myself or my IC friends have had with a female? I say we all give our top moment and vote on who's is the worst.

Here's mine:

Now please, this is my worst, please do not pass judgement. It actually pains me to admit this...

After a long afternoon at SMU for the Iron Skillet game, I drunk phoned Kristin, my recent ex who dumped me weeks before. After agreeing to see me, I arrived horribly drunk and stammering at her door. There, I confronted her about ``Sucking her new boyfriend's dick'' and, after crying, she called me Andrew, her new boyfriend's name. To compound one of the worst days of my life, I returned to a friend's apt and lied on the floor in tears. Passing out from the booze, I managed to write text messages to Kristin reading ``You look like you've gained weight'' and ``I hope Andrew like fat chicks''.

Yep. That's my worst. Not exactly awkward, but awful, awful, evil. Coming in a close second are:
The time Heather `Header' Zak rejected me, the time a girl accidently hit my erect member in eighth grade science or the time I told a girl I wouldn't ever hit her, but I'd ``shake the shit out of her''.

Bring it boys. Purge your worst. I think Faust made Piper throw-up and Portillo probably gave somebody a Dirty Sanchez along the way.

Also, probably a good week to keep the lady friends off the IC. But you never know, they could enjoy them...

Dubbers

i see that my lack of contribution to the blog has everyone talking politics. i don't vote, and probably never will except on a rural-municipal level. please suggest anything you fellas believe i may have some worthwhile, or facetious, whichever, opinion relevant or not to a topic. i know y'all are jock itching to read some of my ramblings.

did butz really get the boot?

it'd be cool if we could get, like, a new quote at the bottom every once in a while, even if it's still jack kerouac. chuck palahniuk's up our alley, hemingway was a drunk, etc...

john wayne gacy jr. for president...

WHY FAUST IS MOVING TO LONDON



Faust is pregnant. That's right people, Faust has a baby growing in him. Turns out a skull fuck from Kirt can impregnate a kitchen table. This is what rich people do when their children get pregnant out of wedlock (His dad owns 1,000 luxury hotels). They send them places far far away from everyone they know. God forbid some family friend see pregnant Adam walking around the Galleria shopping for maternity clothes. To spare the family name Faust agreed to move to London for twelve months where he will give birth to his and Kirt's child. The whole Piper artsy fartsy thing is a huge cover up. When Adam returns from London he's gonna tell everyone he was inspired by all the famous people making adoptions to make an adoption of his own. He's gonna name the kid Apricot Sylvester.

The reason the ad for Harold Ford Jr. peaved me was that he is from Memphis and is the poor black south's Barrack O'bama (heard of him Lubahn?). I saw him speak last year and he gives a lot of hope to the Memphis slums, poverty, and other things our little prissies asses will never know about...Also, the white woman asking for his number has created a lot of inter-racial dating tensions. Oh by the way, I humped a girl named KORVETTE.

I'm interracial.

LASTLY, you want f'ed up Ads. Watch THIS ONE: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a9WB_PXjTBo

Family ties...

ATTACK (F)ADS NEED OUT...

http://guerillawomentn.blogspot.com/2006/10/gop-aims-sleazy-blonde-bimbo-ad-at.html

This is atrocious. How polarized is our ridiculous political culture? What happened to integrity? Attack ads are the most juvenile, pathetic and self-degrading schemes, and yet they continue to spiral downward. Can a politician not garner enough respect from being him/herself that they revert to vomit-worthy tactics that smear their party more than aid their campaign?

Let's get political. Chambers, thoughts?

GUY MOVIES at Their Best…. Can’t Miss Comedies.

The Matador – This movie was overlooked by many when it arrived a few years ago (including myslef). It is an uncomfortable comedy starring the underrated Greg Kinear, and Pierce Bronson at his personal best. It is a guy movie, but still very smart. I hate how Anaconda or Last Action Hero are considered guy movies. I guess they assume most guys are mindless boobs. A



Kiss Kiss Bang Bang – Chambers has been on me to see this one as he was very proud of his discovery. Well, the skinny kid was definitely on to something. From the writer of the Lethal Weapon, KKBB is filled with sharp dialogue and a stellar cast. Robert Downey, Jr. is one of my favorite actors of all time and Val Kilmer plays a wonderful fag. And, Michele Monahan is a striking beauty. A-

Put it on your NetFlix que or head up to your local Blockbuster (while it still exists.)

So tomorrow is day one of my latest gig: A roofer assistant for Spencer Roofs, my uncle's company.

I'm going to get hurt. But at least it's a warm 37 tonight.

Please be my best friends and read the following: http://www.jargonchicago.com/

Have a nice day in your offices gentilemen.

MAZUR, here is the post you've been waiting for: the AW gets canned post. Unfortunately, I wrote a page and a half diatribe that did not publish and was erased. I said some choice words and will now simply highlight the firing process without as much bitter disdain and rage than painted in the first post.

A) Monday, Ocotber 2: A-Chub goes to work and is three of seven members of `team' at work. Chub does reasonable amount of work. Not much, but enough.

B) Tuesday, October 3, 3:42p.m.: A-Chub is called in by boss Nurse Ratched, known for her exposed plump, milky boobs and snarling disposition. Pretty professional. Ratched says they are there to discuss ``serious matter'', A-Chub is concerned that PG-13 emails sent to girl he's been dry-humping have surfaced. Ratched is accompanied by Orphan Annie HR look-a-like.

B) Tuesday, October 3, 3:44p.m.: Chub is deemed ``Terminated'' by Ratched, citing poor work performance on previous day (again, 4 of 7 absent) and tardiness. Chub counters with justification, which, at that time is quelled by HR skank saying ``This is more of a notification, not a discussion Mr. Chub.''

Chub: ``So I can't defend my case. I signed in at 9 because I had a meeting at 8:30''

HRore: ``Again Mr. Chub, this is a notification, not a discussion.''

Mr. Chub laughs disillusioned and looks at Ratched, who will not make eye contact with the Alpha Chub. Chub sarcastically says ``Bye Heidi'' as she exits.

Tuesday, October 3, 3:54p.m.: Whorphan Annie follows Chub to his cube and watches over him as he collects his items. Chub wants to shout out and damn the conformist, dead-souled, aspirationless troglodytes of Initrode, he however, is a conformist as well, and he tucks his Rooster tail between his legs and begrudingly shuffles through the door. As he leaves, Whorphan Annie takes his Initech key card and he gives a Nixon-esque wave as the elevator doors close.

Two weeks later, the Chub has been lowered to claiming Unemployment benefits, picking up a part-time Bar gig, applying at Starbucks (no reply) and interviewing at Bubbles Baby Academy. He's humbled but durable. No calls have been made to Mom or IC friends yet. Be Afraid.

Say mahn, Lemme hold a dolla...

Portillo,

Thanks for the info on the hotels in Vegas. Looks like I will be staying at the Knight's Inn on Thursday night.

And by the way, I just got your message from last night and found out:

1.) You can't go to Vegas
2.) You girlfriend broke up with you
3.) You lost your job

That sucks, Im sorry hear about all three of those. It's also too bad you are completely full of shit. Have you ever heard the story of 'The Boy Who Cried Wolf'? If not, I suggest you check it out. Might be good for you.

KevinBear

The Inner Circle

Peep this deleted clip from the new Borat movie...can't wait..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NQhfGniF6t0

Jagshemesh!

MY NEW JOB!

Hi friends. I got a new job. Here it is: http://www.theheckler.com/

The Make-It, Take-It story is by yours truly. Feel free to comment on the story so my editor thinks I'm a somebody.

Mitch Albom

Here's the deal; I have 2 rooms for us at the Hilton Chicago downtown for Saturday, Sunday, and Monday Night. The rooms are $189 a piece. If we have four to a room, which we will, it is $47.25 a person (It's $15.75 a night- that's like a pack of Parliaments, an Orangina, and a copy of Jane Eyre.

Well worth it.

I'm in.

Clint is in (he's sleeping with me).

Kev and Clay are in.

I think Mazur and Vaughn are in.

Portillo and Eleah are in.

Who else?

I will be flying from Chicago to London. This is my last hurrah.

Hurrah!

MAVS RAP

I wrote this for a contest on the Ticket. It has some Ticket references, that were requisite, but I'm proud of it. I'm not proud of my first unemployment check being delayed.

WIN & JUICE (MAVS REMIX)
Avery: Awww, yeah Dallas…It’s about that time again…
Cuban: Aww yeah, you know what time it is…
Cuban: You know, how it works… It goes a lil’ sumtin’ like this… I think y’all will recognize this tune (especially Dan, who’s hood)
(Avery) With so much drama in AAC,
It’s kind hard being lil’, Avery
But I, somehow, someway,
Keep comin up with wicked mad D like every single day,
(Dirk) May I, stop up behind the arc for some threes,(Avery: Yeah)
And grab a few boards as I breeze through,
Two in the mornin’ and the party still jumpin cuz Stevie aint home.
(Josh) I got sticky D on my man and I’m getting it on,
givin’ nightmares so he aint sleepin till 6 in the mornin!
(Devin)So what you wanna do ?,
I got a dirty cross-over and my homie Jet do too
So turn on the lights and open the doors,
But for what, the best team on the Floor! (Avery: Yeah)
So we gonna win the league with this,
Mavs Up, Heat down while Bob and Dan Bounce to this…

(Chorus: Repeat twice)
Rolling through league,
riding Dirk and Jet,
Listenin to Bob and Dan,
Laid Back
With our minds on the trophy and the trophy on our minds.

Verse 2
Now that, we got the secret to Win,
Everbody turn the station to Ben & Skin,
Now these two boys are talking all the time,
Tellin us Mavs stuff to keep us in line.
Everything is fine, when you’re listening to K-T-C-K,
They got the cultivating genius of Gay- Not-Gay,
Dan listens, to words Corso speaks,
As he spreads the myth of the baby arm freaks,
And get to crackin on Corso during Gameday (Gameday?),
And watch all the P1s say hey (Wit dem posters?)
80 degrees up in the AAC,
Don’t touch our Western Conference Banners cuz you’ll get none of these,
At ease,
As I listen to Bob & Dan feel the breeze, Grizzibble I’m just…

Chorus: Repeat Twice
Rolling through league,
riding Dirk and Jet,
Listenin to Bob and Dan,
Laid Back
With our minds on the trophy and the trophy on our minds.

Verse 3:
Later on today,
My homie Corby comin on wit a whole lot to say,
And a fat ol’ merkin, one that makes P1s laugh till they choke,
This aint no joke,
It makes you step back and put the radio down,
Merkins, Baby arms and Grego, this is messed up now,
But there aint no stopping,
Cuz the Ticket keeps poppin,
And one Ticketchick hails from the city of Compton,
She’s a Mavs fan, Just like the rest of Big D,
Expecting a ring from the Boys and AverY,
Don’t get upset League that’s just how it goes,
We don’t love dem’ bros’,
We out the do’
And we’ll be...

(Repeat twice)
Rolling through league,
riding Dirk and Jet,
Listenin to Bob and Dan,
Laid Back
With our minds on the trophy and the trophy on our minds

One of the worst offensive games by a quarterback I have ever seen in football history. From little league football to the NFL, I have never seen such a pitiful performance by a QB. Rex Grossman looked flat out horrendous.

Coming into the game Monday night, I was just as confident as I’m sure the whole city of Chicago was. I mean, this was the rebirth of the '85 Bears and we were playing the Arizona Cardinals. No way were we going to lose. This was the new undefeated Bears against the same ol' 1-4 Arizona Cardinals, they were suppose to lose! No one (with the exception of maybe Brian Weiss) thought the Cardinals stood any chance in the world. But in the famous words of Chris Berman, "That is why they play the game."

_____
(I really do not want to write a full article about this game, mainly because I am at work and I am trying not to get fired, plus I am sure most of you saw at least the first half and saw how bad the Bears were and how good Matt Leinhart and the Cardinals were. Therefore I will just sum up my night in the final 6 minutes of the game.)
-------

With 6 minutes left to play and the Bears down 23-10, Rex threw his 4th INT (6th turnover) and I finally said that is enough. I had been blowing up at the TV all night and I had seen enough games to know that the Bears chances of winning at this point looked pretty bleak. I turned off the TV and told Katie it was time to call it a night. Depressed I was. All the expectations and hype about this team going undefeated had completely vanished. Katie kept telling me, "It's only one loss Kevin" but it was a lot more than just a loss, it was the Arizona fucking Cardinals! And what made it worse was that I was going to have to hear Weiss tell everybody how he was right and we should've listened to his wisdom. I got in bed and watched the last 15 minutes of a Seinfeld to try to cheer me up.

After the episode, I said, "We’ll let’s just see what the final was" and flipped to ESPN. The score read "Chi 24 Arz 23".... And then came what seemed like a very long silence ... was I dyslexic? "Chicago 24, Arizona 23" - I kept repeating it in my head, "Chicago 24, Arizona 23". WAIT A MINUTE! CHICAGO 24?!!!! What and the hell happened??? I couldn't believe it. Before I could get too excited I noticed Arizona was driving and were about to set up a final field goal attempt. "They're not going to win, they somehow have comeback, but no point in getting excited over nothing" - I told Katie. But as the final field goal attempt went wide left, and the Bears secured their 6th victory of the season to go to 6-0, I was in complete shock and disbelief. They won, they somehow pulled it out. No offensive touch downs, 6 turnovers, and they won.

Unfuckingbelievable!

I can go on and on and try to describe the way I felt after this, hell I couldn't even sleep. I had to check the internet this morning just to make sure it wasn't a dream.

I must get back to work now, I could go on and on if I wanted to but I think you guys get the point. And Weiss, I told you that was a bad bet.....

BEAR

COLLEGE GAMEGAY...

Check out this pic - inspired by 1310 The Ticket listeners

POR FAVOR!!

A friend of mine is in a band that has made it to the finals of a competition to tour with Papa Roach. It is a huge opp. for his band, which is very, very good by the way. PLEASE, PLEASE go to the following link and do the voting. It takes 3 minutes.

The band is called SOUNDS UNDER RADIO. That's right humans: SOUNDS UNDER RADIO. This will really mean a lot to the most talented dude I know.

GO to the following site http://www.sonicbids.com/voting/default.asp?poll_id=112 and go from there. Three minutes.

The Inner Circle
Ethan Albright, an offensive lineman for the Washington Redskins wrote this article after discovering his "ratings" on Madden 2007. Very funny article that I thought all would enjoy...

http://www.thephatphree.com/features.asp?StoryID=3159&SectionID=2&LayoutType=1

-bw

p.s. - take the AZ Cardinals money line.

You ever want to see a stoned professer teach a class? Well, Google Video has the most amazing video.... it's kind of long, but worth it of you have the time... http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-9085610229984937407&hl=en