BLOGAPALOOZA
Three days after a post by our resident Bear reading `RIP: IC Blog', a resurrection event was devised. What we have for you today, loyal constituents of the IC, is the gathering of an elcletic array of musical talent, ranging from the Urban, Hood-savvy lyrical fire of the `Maz' to the erstwhile, agonizing indie-rock chants of A. Christian Faust. From every corner of the globe, scanning nealry every genre of the musical spectrum, today my friends is Christmas come early at the IC. Today, is Blogapalooza.
Ten Artists. Ten Voices. Two days. One Stage.
This is Blogapalooza
To open the show, Blogapalooza jacks you right in the chinstrap with the mosh-inducing, Adderall-charged energy of
Bone 9, starring lead vocalist Mattie `Stick Bone' Chambone. Inspired by the pop-punk voices of his youth, Bone 9 sprinkles in elements of Trance and electronics, engineering a unique sound that trascends discernable genre. You can assure he will open with the chaotic rant-mix `Bone 1, Life 0' in which he recounts his stunning victory over the post-college real world. To close, Bone 9 will undoubtedly trade the iridescent stage lights for black lights, wowing the crowd with a glow-stick finale of `Taquitos and X'. What a way to kick things off.
With the crowd settling in and abuzz from the energy and drug concoction that was Bone 9, the audience should be primed for mental stimulus of the
MarCsman, undoubtedly the most astute, profound lyrical poet of the Y Generation. Combining a machine-gun drumbeat in the background of his articulate and rhythmic prose deliveries, the MarCsman while ignite the crowd with his intense and passionate delivery of `The Post Office is where it's at', before bringing the crowd to silence with `Soldier Solitaire'. To close the spiritual roller-coaster, expect the MarCsman to wrap up on a lighter note, drawing laughter from the crowd with `Unzipped Fleece'. Prepare to have your perspective altered.
The three-slot of Day 1 presents maybe the most distinct presentation of all of Blogapalooza (although Il Weisel may have something to say about that). Slot 3 belongs to
Poncho Portillo, the amorous Argetine, who
combines the indigenous voice and sensuality of the Andes region, while accentuating the moral jousts of lust, marijuana and Socialism. The track that typically draws the most vibrant crowd response is `Toma una nota: Fuma Mota', which usually generates more pot-smoke than a Frat House on 4/20. However, right as it seems Poncho will continue the happyfest, his menacing, angry vocals on `Chingate Japonais' remind the crowd that marijuana is not the only substance of Poncho Portillo. To close, Poncho leaves the crowd swaying and the couples cuddling with `Que Alegria: Eleah', the sensual ballad known in the teen world as `the de-flowerer'.
Just as sappiness begins to settle in, Blogapalooza stirs the pot with the most vulgar, controversial, dangerously hood, insanely ghetto, pit bull in the rap game: `
The Maz', or, as he is known amongst his crew
`The Bitch Shanker'. The Maz brings only upfront, in-your-face brutality of the streets of SA. It is the unpretentious, volatile nature that makes you want to kill your own mom when he rhymes his famed chorus from `The Showdown Crip'. How can you not shout:
`Lick a dirty donkey dick you corkscrew cunt. I'm a Showdown Crip and when I hit homeruns, you bunt. I'll fuck your sister, stab your dog and kick your babies. Don't step too close mutha fucka, this Showdown Crip got rabies'.
Dude is Rhyme-tacular. Rhyme-nificent. Rhyme-alicious. Can you handle it?
Closing out Day One: The gnarly, righteous, radness of the slippery 80s throwback artist of the lineup: The Crowley Cobra, The Voicemail Viper, The Snake from 20,000 lakes, Le Baron of Deceit
: Brent `The Rattler' Darling. That's right, the Rattler, 12 years since his last tour date with the Scorpions, Mr. Big and Jesus Jones, returns for the first time to Blogapalooza. Always entertaining, the Rattler is riding a wave of success with his new album release `Jack and Coke', which unveiled a more mature, yet equally slimy, side of the Rattler. His latest smash hit `Cushion Chronic' details his theft and cover-up of his Cannabis habit. He also comments on his weed-crush in ballads as `Dirty-Irty', `Lieutenant Dangle is Funny' and `Tinted Windows'. Though the Rattler will get the crowd high, when he closes day 1 with `Shin Kung Fu', all Hell will break loose in the pit. A fitting ending to a sublime day one.
Day Two
Day Two of Blogapalooza opens with an auditory treat that rekindles the `crooning' sound of the Sinatra, Dean Martin, Tony Bennett era of the 50s, however, with themes and lyrics of the late 60s enlightenment rock of Pink Floyd and the Doors. Any ideas on who opens day two? Well kids, Day 2 opens with the deep, booming, bellowing voice of the 2007 Rat Pack kingpin
, Kevin `Gentle Bear' Dalrymple. Now smitten with `Amore', `Gentle Bear' combines the concoction of the two elements that set his spirit free: Drugs and Love.
Because Gentle Bear's love spans many premises, his crooning-hippie style rings in such ballads as `Weed, Clay and LBJ', which includes the Doors-inspired chorus of:
`Boat-riding on the storm... Boat-riding on the storm... Into this lakehouse we're born... Into this boat we're thrown'. With the audience calm, the Gentle Bear then rocks the crowd with `Come on Katie light my fire' before closing with the fan favorite, crooner rendition of `The Superbowl Shuffle', to a backdrop of Floyd-esque ticking clocks, heavy breathing and eerie whispers of `Hut, Hut, Hike'. It's a treat for all ages.
With the crowd captivated, enter the wildcard. Bringing to the stage an alt-Euro collection of slippery rhymes, charismatic angst rants and a sprinkling of Spanish, Italian, English, Hopelandish and Ajax-induced jibberish
, CIAO Weissel, ignites the vigor of the worldwide masses. Accompanied by his right-paw sidekick
, Ginoteque, Ciao Weissel spits fire and energy into the crowd, crunktifying the audience with his hit `Par le vu Spurs Dynasty?', in which he penetrates and slashes through the audience in a Tony Parker jersey. Just when you thought it couldn't get any more live, Ciao Weissel rocks out with his latest jam `SA all day', paying homage to his hometown with the catching chorus of:
`Yeah, the AZ, shit was way too sunny fo' me. Rolled back to the homeland, sporting nuttin' but this A4 and a headband. Son!''
At popular requests, Ciao Weissel has also been known to rip The National Anthem in a dead-on Borat impersonation and 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' in hysterical Homo-tone.
Arrivederci Bitches!
After the laughter and enthusiasm tsunami drown the crowd, the true change of pace lyricist steps to the stage in Day 2, slot 3. Donning a ribbed Union Jack T, accentuated by a vile of his lover's essence, when indie-rock sensation
ACF Vesuvius steps on the stage, the lighters illuminate the audience like fireflies drenched in a sea of sensitivity. Known for his melacholy melodies peppered by lurching screams amongst the sappy stanzas, ACF Vesuvius entrances the audience with his yurning heartfelt prose, while maintaining balance with sudden outbursts condemning gypsy theft, nicotine inflation and malfunctioning rear overhead lights in 95 Jeep Cherokees. The depth of his melody `Frantic Atlantic' grips the crowd with the earnest tale of a distant love, only to evoke tears of joy with the concluding lines of:
`The sea, nor sniper, nor sun, could separate us, Piper Huddleston'
As tears well in the eyes of the on-lookers, ACF Vesuvius flicks the amp and re-ignites the energy with `Snake in the Stash', an unofficial dig at Brent `The Rattler' Darling, with whom an aged feud is rumored to still boil. The closing chorus which brings the crowd to a rousing roar boasts:
``Moved into my house, quiet as a mouse. Enlightened you on the bliss of the wake-and-bake, didn't even ask for cash. Never stopped to notice, you were the Snake in the Stash.''
With the crowd abuzz, the only plausible solution is to dance. Who better than to bring the masses to a gawky, c-walk, spasm trance than legendary hip-igniting enthusiast
A-Dub-ble Yo Pleasure, known for combining the Hood-Rich footwork of North Memphis with Juke-Juke-Pause phenomenon that sparked the streets of South Side Chicago. Possessing minimal lyrical talents, A-Dub-ble Yo Pleasure is long on enthusiasm for straight up getting down. His infectious swivels of both hips and head, create such an immense stir in audiences, that only sheer lack of endurance could deter you from jubilance. In his latest chart-topping beat from Dance-Jump-Jump-Dance 29, A-Dub-ble Yo Pleasure hits the audience with a remix of an all-time fav, `Da Red Dog ', in which, while Juke-Juke Pausing, A-Dub-ble mimes driving an unbefitting large extended cab pickup truck. As the crowd mimics this innovative manuever, A-Dub-ble Yo Pleasure segways into another new track `Bees Be Gone', in which he rhymically imitates the swatting of swarming bees as they attack his grill. If you've ever wanted to learn cutting-edge dance, keep yo goggles on the stage for this one. Ya Hurd me?!
As profuse sweat and exhaustion seep into the crowd, Blogapalooza once again caters to the disposition of its patrons, saving maybe the best, and definitely the most sincere act of the playbill to close the set. The surprise guest of Blogapalooza, fresh off his South American tour, in which he wooed Chile from Santiago to Cape Horn
, Clinton `Heartthrob' Frazier Brown anchors, closes down, dims the lights, walk-away satisfies, and Hell, he graces the damn stage with his dashing smile, debonair charm and pithy, alluring lyrics. If you wanted a cherry to top Blogapalooza, you're getting the jubilee. The late 80s throwback, the Heartthrob, will undoubtedly whisk the audience off their feet and send them to bed in a clydsedale-drawn chariot of bliss. The Heartthrob is idolized by all others that attempt to imitate his mastery of the cuddle-rock genre. John Mayer heeds his wisdom, Damien Rice pages him with `143' and Michael Bolton sums up his biggest influences in one word: Heartthrob. Without question, when Heartthrob strums the opening chord of `11pm Chocolate Milk', expect panting. Expect fainting. Expect vaginal seizures. And, just because he can, when you think he do no more, he'll hit you with `These are LA Looks'.
Call in the ambulances. Bring out the stretchers. Carry the lovestruck birds back to the nest. The Heartthrob has brought Blogapalooza to its final resting place: Perfection.
THIS WAS BLOGAPALOOZA
WELCOME BACK IC
