SICK DAYHi friends. It's Monday it's 1:50 pm and I am in boxers. I am not sick, but at 7:12am this morning, I saw four inches of snow on the ground and decided to prolong my Thanksgiving vacation for another day. I called in and left a grumbly message for my boss, trying to sound as pathetic as possible. I almost did the fake cough message but refrained.
It's odd that, despite having something like 16 sick days accrued, there is some sense of guilt when you take one. That's r-tarded. Why do I have 16 days of `sick time' that sit there and go unused? I will inevitably leave this job in less than 2.5 years (like I like to do baby!) and lament all the days I could have sat around doing this in my boxers. Fuck that. Enjoy that shiat. Don't give me something about `work ethic' because ya know what, if you're gonna give me days to kick it in my undies and write stupid shit to my friends, I AM GONNA DO DAT LIL CUZ-CUZ-CUZIN!
But, I was thinking about you peeps and wondering...what would my friends do their sick days...
KEVIN DALRYMPLE
Excuse: Allergies flared up from weekend flower picking
On his day off, Kevin wakes early. He and Ginger do Pilates. Then he cooks Katie smoked Salmon and capers on rye. When Katie leaves, Kevin goes into game mode, paints his face in Bears blue and orange and logs onto to Fantasy to talk Smack!. He turns on ESPN News and let's that shit blare. Just highlights bitch. All day. Then, he pulls up a picture of Ditka, pulls out the tackle dummy he keeps underneath the bed and does drills, I mean drills, until he pukes. Then he gets online and buys thoughtful gifts for all 47 of his best friends. He orders himself an Urlacher Fat Head.
MATTHEW RYAN CHAMBERS
Excuse: Lamaze class
Matthew wakes up 14 hours before we do and grabs his dry-erase marker. He scratches off `Deftones' from his list of possible son names, and adds `Brass Monkey Chambers'. He then gets on his computer and goes to Cnn.com to read. He reads, cn, but before he has read the final `n' in cnn, he falls asleep in his computer. He wakes up and scratches of `Brass Monkey Chambers' and writes `RadCat' Chambers. He likes the name, so he C-walks in his room. He does this for 3 hours. Then he writes himself a check for $122 and Awesome cents. He goes to check it and Bank of Australia. He then goes home, pulls out his cabbage patch doll named Gnarly and practices changing his diapers and trying on cool kiddie hemp necklaces.
BRIAN WEISS
Excuse: Gino grounded me
Gino found a sack of Brian's marijuana, barked at him and rubbed Brian's nose in it. Then he made him sleep outside. Brian clawed at the door all night but, when Gino finally lets him in, Gino is in a button up and slacks. He tells Brian to stay inside today and that he will go to work for him. Brian tries to argue, but Gino has a phone call and can't talk. Gino drives the Audi to work. Brian sits around the house, watches youtube, c-walks and watches Grandma's Boy on loop. Unfortunately, when Gino comes home, Brian learns Gino has taken his job. Gino gives Brian a business card and tells him to come in the next day to discuss an opportunity to be his assistant. Brian presses his clothing to prepare for his big interview the next day.
MICHAEL MAZUR
Excuse: Accidentally built deck over his bed
Michael woke up and was stunned to find that he was sleeping on a deck, which he built over his bed. Then, he went into the kitchen, where he'd also built a deck and saw a short Ukrainian kid in his kitchen. The Ukrainian reminded Michael that he was renting the kitchen. Then Michael opened his fridge and found a Zambian girl. She was renting the fridge. Michael was in disarray. He decided to walk to Showdown to clear his thoughts. Unfortunately, as Michael walked to Showdown, his Dad pulled up behind him and nudged him with the truck. His Dad asked Michael if he was taking a `Sock Day'. He couldn't pronounce the word `Sick' correctly. He'd never said that word. Michael nodded and his Dad made him get in the truck. Michael's Dad turned and stared at Michael. He hit the gas, and, without looking at the road, drove Michael to work. When they arrived, Michael's Dad pushed him onto the street without slowing. It was 6:31am. Though Michael was late, he was happy he got to sleep in.
BRENT LUBAHN
Excuse: My dog ate my car
Lubahn woke, put Jack in a Structure shirt, cargo shorts and Crocs. They walked out the door, only to find that Bailey had eaten the steering wheel and transmission during the night. Lubahn called her a whore. Then Jack said whore. Lubahn grabbed the Pathfinder and took Jack to work, though he had to wear two pairs of sunglasses because he was unaccustomed to driving without tinted windows. Lubahn dropped Jack off (Jack off, hu-huh) and came home to find Bailey had eaten a toilet. Lubahn was mad. He decided to make a lot of toast to ease his nerves. Then, because he had so much toast, he decided to get real high to eat all that toast. He got real high in the garage and started bumping the TI album. He liked the album so much, he tried to email TI but misspelled it and emailed his IT department. Fortunately, they couldn't decode Lubahn speek, and disregarded the email as spam. Then Lubahn came inside and found that Bailey ate the toaster. Frustrated, Lubahn added players to his Fantasy `Watch List' until Melissa came home. When she did, he pretended to be on the phone. In Lubahn phone voice he said `Great. Great. Sounds good.' Then Atila peed on Lubahn's foot.
CLINT BROWN
Excuse: Bitten by Pink Dolphin
Clint woke wearing only his burnt orange boxers. He'd overslept and was running late for his 4:15am meeting. He hurriedly went to his computer and called his boss on Skype. It was the only method of communication he knew efficient. His boss answered and Clint told him his Amazon fever had returned. Clint's boss said that, in lieu of the UT-OU BCS debacle, the entire city of Austin was shut down, and to fret not. Pleased, Clint did 150 crunches while checking Nasdaq. He saw that Jon Chisenhall's Yoga company had gone public. Clint bought a majority share in the company and Skyped the Pterodactyl he met in the Andes. The Pterodactyl, Bevo, came to pick up Clint. Clint packed only Kurt's rent check, an updated copy of his resume and an ab-roller. He voyaged on Bevo to S. America, traversing the Amazon and visiting his pink dolphin friends of the past. There was much rejoicing. An Amazon guide, Quatehemoc Smith, told Clint of an opening for an Amazon guide. Clint gave him a resume, however, because Clint was yet to receive an MBA, he was underqualified. Then Bevo took Clint home. They shared a glass of chocolate milk.
ADAM FAUST
Excuse: Couldn't find bracelet to match Capri pants
Faust had a tough night sleeping; he woke up every 44 minutes to finish a poem called `The DC Piper' and, after four burritos and 3 smokes, found himself out of Tums. Not good. Faust called his boss and when his boss told him `Hope you feel better,' Faust yelled `Oh do you? Do you really?!' Then Faust threw his Iphone at his mannequin. It hit her and she fell. Faust then went and lay with her on the floor. As he lay with her, he thought of a poem. He called it `Real tears for plastic person'. He wrote it on his iPhone. He authored it iFaust. Feeling better, he made crepes and emailed Andy Warhol. Warhol's email kicked back and Faust cried. Then he rotated his basketball team. He called Piper to ask if they could give Tums to the wedding guests. She said no. He asked if they could play a Fiona Apple song at the reception. She said yes. Adam was happy. He celebrated by buying Converse capri pants. He bought them with his iPhone.
MARC MILLER
Excuse: Please, mother fucker. Please.
The last time Sergeant Miller made an excuse, John McCain was in daycare.
Sgt. Miller heard a guy say `I'm sleepy today'. That guy doesn't have eyelids anymore.
One time a guy said `Sorry I'm late' to Sgt. Miller. That man no longer has a penis.
A man once said he lost a game of Solitaire because he didn't get the right cards. That man has an Ace of Spades lodged in his thorax. No one knows who did it. Ha.
Miller's mantra: `Excuses are like genital warts, everybody's got 'em. Ha.'
LEE PORTILLO
Excuse: Xzibit is Pimping my Ride
Eleah called MTV when Lee was rotating his fantasy team and left a voice mail for Xzibit. She described the Acura, which lacks air conditioning, door paneling, a windshield and is covered in stray boogers and eyebrow hair. She also told Xzibit that despite her urges, Lee would not part with his vintage automobile. When Lee woke in the morning for work, he found Xzibit outside standing by his car. At first, Lee did his `Awwww Shiitt!' and gave X the handshake/one arm hug. But then Xzibit showed Lee an example of his idea for the Acura; it was to be transformed into a gold, fast and the furious, East LA vatos locos ride with no dried boogers and excess coolant. Portillo wasn't having it. He told Xzibit to `go back to Compton' and, remembering a poster he had of Bruce Lee, put his chops up to Xzibit's grill. Then, before a rumble, Portillo thought of his idea for an apron with `Back off my grill' written on it. His idea featured guys with grills, such as Project Pat (3-6 Mafia), Edgerrin James and Chad `Ocho-Cinco' Johnson. Xzibit straight tripped out! Together, the two unlikely pair devised a new line of Afro-centric aprons, and, to the delight of Portillo, the Acura rides on, unaltered and booger friendly.
