Friday, February 23, 2007

The long awaited
ROUND ONE
Let's take it one fight at a time. Everyone chime in with other versions of the fight and an official vote on who you think would win...
THE BATTLE OF THE PLATES
This is the 3 versus 10 matchup. Let's take a quick look at the fighters before we get into the action.

Lee Matthew Portillo, a feisty middleweight from San Antonio, Texas, credits his scrappy fighting technique and gruff disposition to being ridiculed in his youth for his premature bearding (age 9), 19 second `Uuuuuummmm'' pauses and st-st-st-stuttering p-p-problems. B-b-but as Lee states, `What ddddoes not kkkkill me, 0nly made me, uuuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmmmmmmmm, stronger.'

Brent Scott Lubahn, a delicate featherweight from Minnesota, says his love for fighting is more from a promotional standpoint, as he claims he would rather be the one instigating a clash than participating in one. However, for today's exception, BS Lubahn says he has spent extra time training, dedicating a daily 30 minutes of shin roundhouses to his wife, son and dyslexic dogs. Also, in preparation for the fight, Brent has downed a bottle of 6$ red wine to redden his teeth, making him look rabid, and has swallowed 4 shots of Southern Comfort to alleviate his social awkwardness.

The controversy between these two stems from the ``Great Plate Debate'' of late 2003. BS Lubahn cowardly claims that former friend and roommate Lee stole his K-Mart plastic Moose plates, which Melissa plastered and painted and Atilla peed on. Portillo states he is innocent of plate theft, but guily of pleasuring himself on Brent's computer and rancor odor. Today, the Plate Debate will be shattered, forever...

FIGHT LOCATION: Where their friendship was forever altered: 4724 Trail Lake

FIGHT!
The fight opens in the front yard, with Brent nabbing the first blow, as he pointed down the street and asking `Is that Eleah?' Portillo turned and Lubahn struck Lee's shin with a volley to the shin. OUCH! Lee grabs his shin and Lubahn slaps Lee in the face, causing his recently fixed teeth to fly into the street. Enraged, Lee stands and fright overcomes Lubahn, who runs behind the immovable 4724 stump. Portillo, blinded by rage and faltering $2 sunglasses, charges Lubahn, only to fall in the infamous 4724 hole, which Lubahn covered with a plate. Portillo's fall leaves him writhing in pain. Lubahn laughs, but, as his confidence grows, the Trail Lake homeless skateboarder pulls into the driveway. Lubahn is terrified and runs into the house, turning off all the lights and hiding under his sheets, which are marred by Bailey's chewmarks. Outside, the Trail Lake skateboarder and Lee befriend one another and speak of their drifter adventures and Nietzche's existentialism. The skateboarder gives Portillo mushrooms in exchange for Lee's teeth fillings. The skateboarder then boards a Greyhound and heads south to Buenos Aires. Saddened by the exit of a true soul, Lee rings the firehouse-alert doorbell. Brent sneaks out of the backdoor, grabs a tiki-torch and approachs Lee from behind. Lubahn whacks Portillo in the back, but the magic mushrooms have created a shield around Lee, which electocutes Brent, sending him flying back into the garage door. As he falls, he lands on the far brick wall of 4724, creating a HUGE dent in the bricks, thus resolving another long-lasting 4724 saga. Portillo then walks to Brent's body, puts it over his shoulder and walks to the Oui. There, Lee meets and hits on a 40-something woman and Lubahn remains passed out on a stool. Melissa walks in with Stadler, Dana and the crew. Melissa is steamed to find Brent passed out in public again. Stadler says `He must have drank his dinner!'' While he laughs, Portillo turns and rips off Stadler's head and beats Dana to death with it. Yes! Yes! Yes! Portillo, now drunk, takes Lubahn over his shoulder again and walks to Kevin and BW's house to get high. When he arrives, he places Lubahn on the ground and puts a stereo by his passed out head. Portillo then goes and plays `See who can eat grass' with Bear, thus exhausting Portillo. Lubahn awakes and walks into the front yard, where he finds Portillo on the porch. He surprises Portillo with a shin kick, putting Lee on the ground. Lubahn repeatedly kicks Lee, looking as if he will win the fight. But, as if a gift from God, Lee sees a box of PanBurger lying on the ground. He crawls to it, pours it into his mouth and jumps to his feet. Lubahn, again scared, turns to run, but Lee, a la San Diego hotel night, Wolverine jumps on Lubahn. Taking off his shirt, Lee begins rubbing his `chest vest' on Lubahn's face. Lubahn is squirming but, as he considers conceding, sees Bailey running towards them. He calls frantically `Bailey! Come Here girl! Bailey!'' Unfortunately for Brent, when Bailey arrives, she does not assist, simply grabs Lubahn's shoes and chews them visciously. As second degree burns develop, Lubahn gives up, granting victory to Portillo. The two get up and, in a true show of camaraderie, return to Trail Lake, get high and watch Reno 911. They eat toast and chimichanga's on, what else, the missing Moose plates.
Lee dedicates his winnings to the `Katie Clay Japonais' foundation.
Brent, who was compensated in hearty steak soup, dedicates his winnings to the `AARD: Adoption Agency of Retarded Dogs' foundation.
Portillo moves on to face the winner of THE BATTLE OF THE BONG
SCOTTSDALE, AZ

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Williams is doomed!

McDonald's is contemplating all-day breakfast.....


Adam "The Bee Keeper" Williams - 2008

Thursday, February 15, 2007


FIGHT TIME

With another reunion on the horizon, it's time to get the ol' Blog kicking again. That said, with much talk about fighting, it's tourney time. Graphic Design team Faust will post an NCAA tourney style bracket the pits members of the IC in versus mode.

The tenative seeding is as follows:

1. Marcus Arelius Miller - AKA No Limit Solja
2. A ``The Incredible Pudgy Hulk' W
(Both 1&2 seeds receive byes into the second round. If you want to debate that, well, don't. We'll beat your brains in)

First Round Action:
BATTLE OF THE PLATES:

3 Seed: Lee `Japonais Chimichanga' Portillo VERSUS 10 Seed Brenton `Daddy Shin Kick' Darling.
- Portillo's fatality is petty theft (plates, cell phones, clothing, floss)
- Lubahn's fatalities are a Phone call and/or a Shin roundhouse

BATTLE OF THE BONG:

4 Seed: Bear `Rhino Calves' Dalrymple VERSUS 9 Seed: Brian `Arizona Crackti' Weiss
- Bear's fatalities are: a quick-witted Blog post, a `who kissed Katie' ass-kick, or making his opponent eat grass
- BW's fatality is injecting clorox into his opponents eyes or sensitive Message board defaming of his opponent
* BW is a dark-horse considering his partner is a blue-skinned flying Italian Dingo

WALL STREET FIGHT:

5 Seed Clint `Stock Any-ihilator' Brown VERSUS 8 Seed: Mikey `Texas Tea-Rex' Mazur
- Brown's fatalities include: Poisoning via Hair gel called the ``LA `don't' Look'', the 5AM wake-up call and, of course, the Yellow Stress-Induced Cleveland Steamer
- Mazur's fatalities include: The Pec flex to ya neck, The Scream of Terror that erupts your eardrums and the Excessive Insult, which crushes opponents souls

NATURAL DISASTER MATCH: WHEN VOLCANOS ERUPT

6 Seed Adam `0 and 8 Mate' Faust VERSUS 7 Seed Matt `Mutilating Mariner' Chambone
- Faust looks to get off the fight snide and earn his first victory with such fatalities as: Second Hand Lung Punch, The Vesuvius, where he violently tirades you unexpectedly, and/or Torture Tears, where after he listens to The Erotic Shoelaces album, he hurls poison tears at your skull.
- Chambone's fatalities include: The Rubber Band Strangler with his 41 wrist bands, the Chin Beard Rug Burn and Adderol Asphixiation, where he focuses for 11 hours on choking his opponent.

Let the games begin. Faust add pics.

Williams, get a life.

Out

Tuesday, February 13, 2007



Happy Valentine's Day

As those of us who prepare for this bullshit of all bullshit holidays I was curious what you guys are thinking of doing for your loved ones? Piper does not recognize this holiday and agrees it is commercialized crapola.... I still probably have to get her a card or something, right?

Skip the fancy dinner and flowers and try and be novel. Maybe a pig's heart wrapped in looseleaf paper? Or take a drive out to a romantic hilltop and fuck her in the asshole.

And to our single men's club...what are your plans. Especially now with no Booya7 to strike you with cupid's hard-on. This day may seem especially difficult without it.

It is truly a stupid day.

Friday, February 09, 2007



I wrote this for a radio station this morning. It is long yes, but I'd like to hear my bois weigh in.


In the era of me-promoting, where YOU was named Time’s Person of the Year, Anna Nicole Smith’s death is undoubtedly the apex headline in the world of the undeserving famous. It was unsurprising, and yet disturbing, to find Anna Nicole’s picture atop media outlets throughout the country. My question is, `Why are we so compelled to discuss a figure who sacrificed her soul for our attention’? Why is this person, ridiculed for her shallow existence, worthy of our discussion? I find the answer to be fame, which although we may not admit, has established itself as maybe the number 1 ambition in our culture.
Look at our television programs: American Idol, Beauty and the Geek and the Surreal Life. It seems that we, as a people, are willing to subject ourselves to humiliation and ridicule simply to be known, not for talent, but for our disregard for self. These hollow characteristics were Anna Nicole Smith. Her life was an immoral sacrifice to attain money, recognition and fame. And yet, because of her despicable behavior, she was glorified, thus completing her lifelong objective of fame. My parting question is: Do we not have the presence of mind to ignore such soul-sacrifice? Or, is there a part of us that, deep down, maybe wish that we too could have what Anna Nicole did have: Fame.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007


On a boat in Trinidad and Lubahn calls. Lubahn calls no one and when he does...wait he doesn't. I asked him if it was an emergency. He said no so I told him I had to work and hung up on him. We are friends.

P.s. I didn't have to work.

P.s.s. I'm just kidding Lubahn.

Sunday, February 04, 2007



Ok, I'm going to be a dick. I think I'm a little biiter. Maybe because I am watching the Superbowl with British announcers. Could you imagine how anoying that is?

One of my roommates reminds me of Adam Stadler. He is actually much worse. He talk constantly even when he has nothing worth saying. he knows nothing about football. And these kind of people are miserable to watch the Superbowl with.

So, to entertain myself during the 2nd quarter I thought it would be fun to document how truly awful my roomate is.... word for word.....

12:29AM
"Have you seen the trailer for the Fantastic Four sequel?"

"Does your vagina hurt?"

12:30 AM

"Milk was a bad choice!" (from Anchorman)

"SUV commercials should have more hot chicks."

"Hey Stupid!"

"Peyton is tall. That helps him see more."

12:32 AM

"Do you want to do mushrooms this weekend?"

"Well, if not, then when?"

"Whatever, pussy."

12:34PM

"I'm going to see The Killers in Paris."

"I like!" (from Borat)

12:37AM

Falls asleep.... Wow, I didn't see that coming. My other roomamte just noticed and smiled. He didn't even make it to halftime. That's awesome. Now I can enjoy the game in peace. Cheers.

Saturday, February 03, 2007

Headline aimed as us?:

Bush puts 'ic' back in 'Democratic Party'

Made me think of friends. Hugs.

Bear Down.

Thursday, February 01, 2007



I am drunk you idiots. I love you guys the way any drunk friend loves his friends- wholeheartedly. And without proper discretion, without any fear of seaming over sympathetic or concerned. Becaus eI am concenred.

About Clint's hair being too wavy until it joins the Gulf of Mexico.
About Lubahn's baby growing thinking snakes are heavenly and doves are evil.
About Mazur making too much crude money and forgetting that he is a painter.
About Williams dizzying himself into oblivion.
About Weiss hiding in the desert until he wakes up in 2026.
About Portillo getting married to a wicked hot girl.
About Miller ending up on the cover of Time as "A Soldier's Story"
About Dalrymple if the Bears lose.

I am not concerned about Chambers. He will be fine.

There is love. It is quite real. Mazur has it. So does Brent. I'm sure Lee has something. I think I got it too. It's not like I thought. It is much cloudier. It is not red or white or blue. It is this cloudy orangish color. It is never fully distinguishable. It is there. Rght in fornt of you, but you can't quite touch it. You can feel it, but you can never hold it in your hand. That's why it is so mysterious.

I will pass out now.