Duh, dun, dun, dun, duh...

The day has arrived young Jedis. Today is the day, the day that decides who takes their finger off the carb and clears the lurking smoke remaining from:

THE BATTLE OF THE BONG

This is the 4 VERSUS 9 matchup.

Let's take a look at the pre-fight notebook.

The media is buzzing around the 4-seed Kevin McSupercalves, the dark bear in this tournament. Known for his peaceful, calm demeanor, McSupercalves has warned opponents not to underestimate his agressive switch, which is most visible in his rippling Sequoia trunk legs or when Rex Grossman throws 4 first half INTs.
McSupercalves has been lax in his preparation for this fight. Here's a clip from an interview this week. (Cut to video of McSupercalves. He is wearing a Urlacher jersey, sitting in his room with only the black light on. He is listening to Dark Side of the Moon and watching SportsCentury: 85 Bears)

Suzy Kolber: So, McSupercalves, do you fear B-Dub? Apparently he's been training extensively for the fight.
McSuper: Shutup bitch. This is my favorite line on the album. (singing/grumbling) ``New car, caviar, four-star dream. Think I'll buy me a football team.'' (that's a real lyric)
Suzy Kolber: McSupercalves, can we talk about the fight?
McS: Fight? It's freaking Weiss. He's fragile. That guy is weaker than dirty schwag. Seriously, I'm just gonna show up high, beat him in NCAA 2007, smoke, and then watch the Spurs.
Suzy Kolber: What about the fight though?
McS: Do you like the Bears?
Suzy Kolber: Sure, their... (cut off)
McS: Than shutup and watch this clip of McMahon. That guy is so rebelious.
(Enter Ginger, who mauls Kolber. Then, Kevin and Ginger eat her body)

His opponent and long-time friend, Brian, B-Dub, (s)Weiss Cheese, does not carry a lot of clout and is not anticipated to put up much of a fight against his hearty opponent. B-Dub admits to being gun-shy after his Rodney King episode in late December, however, he has been training to avenge his assailants, running and wrestling daily with his blue-skinned trainer Gino.

(Cut to Weiss/Gino Mike Tyson Punchout type montage. Weiss runs with a headband on and bball shorts through Arizona cacti. Weiss falls in cacti and grimaces in pain. Gino, no advocate of sympathy, bites B-Dub's curly locks and pulls him through the cacti, barking at him with a dubbed Mr. Miagi voice saying `Get up B-Dub-Son'. The montage then cuts to B-Dub training on a treadmill. He is sweating and struggling. Gino levitates in front of him, holding a bag of dro and box of clorox to tempt B-Dub. The montage ends with Gino humping the now tone leg of B-Dub. They laugh, and, as a 1-uper, B-Dub humps Gino's leg, as if to say `thank you' for all the training. Close montage)

Fight History

This fight started in 2004, when B-Dub and McSupercalves decided it was `grow-up' time and moved out of their Lubbock St. campus friendly home. It was a very traumatic day, but, with emotions riding high, they both entered the living room at the same time. The house was entirely empty, except for the foosball table and, in the center of the living room, a long, sleek, blue bong, with a freshly loaded bowl of hydroponics. They both approached it and put their hands on it simultaneously. After a long staredown, weed-anger overcame both of them and then...

FIGHT!

The fight starts as expected, with Bear grabbing Weiss by the hair. Bear/McSupercalves then, still holding Weiss's Froto Baggins locks, picks him up and begins to swing him around in the air. As he does, he begins to sing `Bear Down, Chicago Bears'. McSuper then opens the front door and hurls Weiss 200 yards onto to the top of the MJ Neeley School of Business. Bear then returns to bong and sits indian-style as he prepares to smoke. As he pulls the lighter from his Chicago Cubs hoody, the phone rings. It Katie Clay, calling to admit she kissed Adam Williams again. Meanwhile, Weiss regains consciousness atop of the buidling when he hears the beats of his favorite Liberian-Greenland rapper/crooner, MC Martian. He awakes inspired, however is still 40 feet atop a building and his pale skin is beginning to burn. As B-Dub looks down from the edge of the building, Gino stares at him from the base of the building. Gino then levitates up to B-Dub. Gino barks ``We must prevail B-Dub-son''. Weiss then jumps on Gino and, a la The Neverending Story, flies across Fort Worth and then returns to the door of their Lubbock Street home. Bear answers the door and looks down at Gino. As Bear goes to pet Gino, Weiss viloently knees Kevin in the head. Kevin stumbles back and calmly says ``Ow''. Miffed by Kevin's strength, Weiss darts to the foosball table and picks up the foosball balls. As Kevin runs into the gameroom, Weiss throws the ball at Kevin, which misses, hits the wall and bounces back to strike Bear in the CALF. Ahhhhh! Kevin yells in agony, as the ball punctures his hot-air balloon calves and Kevin crumples to the ground face first. With the open wound from his calves exposed, Weiss picks up the foosball table and prepares to hit Bear with it. But, as he turns back to Bear, two families of five crawl out of his calves. Apparently, in a freak genetic inicident, two families of five had learned to thrive and flourish in his calves;The Hendersons and the Buckets. Because they are so small, Weiss replaces the midfield players on the foosball table with the Hendersons and Buckets. Years down the line, B-Dub will make millions from this creation. Nonetheless, as Weiss teaches the Hendersons and Buckets the rules of the game, Bear awakes, however, lacking support from his calves, is no longer a Bear, but a flamingo! The flamingo then attempts to attack B-Dub, who quickly casts the spell of Sleep on the Flamingo. The Flamingo has fallen asleep. Gino levitates into the room and tells B-Dub-son ``Finish him''. B-Dub grabs a headband and begins to wrap it around the Flamingo's neck, however, as the flamingo loses breath, Weiss's true nemesis AB, enters the home and begins to smoke the fresh bowl. B-Dub, enraged, enters the room and high kicks AB's head off. Gino then runs to AB's head and, with a box-cutter, carves a bong from AB's skull. B-Dub, so pleased to have killed his nemesis, returns to the gameroom and chants the spell of ``Gentle Bear'' on the Flamingo. Kevin is returned in full form, calves and all. Then, as a show of peace, the two smoke a bowl out of AB's head, the perfect finale to the Lubbock home. Ten minutes later, the two are stoned and decide to play one last game of foos. Weiss takes the Buckets and Bear, the Hendersons. Tied at 8, Weiss plays the ball back to his goalie, who passes to Brian Bucket, who rifles a goal into the corner. As the ball crosses the goalline, Bear vanishes and Gino appears. He looks at Brian and declares ``You have prevailed young salmon''. In the first stunning upset of the tournament B-DUB and SENSAI GINO WIN and will move on to play PORTILLO in the BATTLE OF THE EYEBROWS.

Weiss's winnings go to the CWAGA? (Can't We All Get Along?) foundation.

Bear's winnings go to CBTC - Chicago Bears Tailgating Committee.

See you soon, Tyler Derden