I don't know if any of you checked the Weather Channel today, but if you did, you saw today's terrifying forecast: Simultaneous eruptions of Volcano Adam and Volcano Chambers in...

THE NATURAL DISASTERS MATCH

How do you go from dormant and docile to violent and venomous? Well, here's a little story about two calm cats with self-restraints equivalent to Ike Turner and Tupac from that movie Juice.

In the spring of 2001, a young raver white bleached hair, wearing 19 rubberbands, Abercrombie shorts and Adidas Gazelles, entered a home on Trail Lake, owned by Adam `Cats in the Cradle' Vesuvious. Immediately, tensions were high. Why you ask? Chambone, the aforementioned raver, walked into his new home to find his exact replica: a young raver with white bleached hair, wearing 19 rubberbands, Abercrombie shorts and Adidas Gazelles. `Is this a mirror?' Chambone pondered. It is in their similarities that the magma heated.
Video games: check
Bong rips: check
Stray girls: check
Excessive jewelry to draw attention to oneself due to a reasonable spoiled upbringing: check

It was evident they had much in common, however, Vesuvius Faust was irked. `How could this stranger be so similar to me? I am so unique and different. I mean look at me, I wear pink bandanas and pretend to speak French.''
Chambers, however, was ``Too busy'' to think of such nonsense. Plus, due to his insufferable chronic fatigue syndrome, he was only awake 11 minutes a day during this era.
Nonetheless, after several angst-ridden hours at Thrift Town, Vesuvius Faust still could not find clothing that distinguished him from his glow-stick yielding new roommate. When Vesivius returned home that day, he smoked 11 cigarettes to calm himself, but, as he put the last one out on his palm, ``Too tired'' McRaves emerged from his cave for his 5:45pm Fruit Loops. It was there, in the Trail Lake #1 kitchen, where the inner-magmas of these two natural disasters could no longer be contained...

FIGHT

Chambers, slouched and droopy-eyed at the table, labored over his Fruit Loops, yawning between bites and lethargically telling Vesivius about his previous day, where, in 11 minutes, he got high, went to Whataburger, met a chick in the drive-thru and took her to his mattress layer. Chambone, then, as his 11 minutes ended, fell face-first into his fruit loops. The milk erupted from the bowl and splattered onto the Huka, Faust's picture of him, Travis Ferris and Eric Stack at Woodsie and his front row Gold Member season passes to the Mavericks for the next 9 seasons, including postgame massages from the players during TV timeouts. BOIL! BOIL! BOOM! TRENDY! Vesuvius Faust exploded, slapping Chambers on the back of the head to wake him. Chambers put his head up, ``Dude, what the fuck is your problem? I'm sooo tired and way tooo busy to deal with this.''
``DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU JUST DID?'' Vesuvius asked. ``My Daddy bought me these tickets and this shirt, plaid pants, house, eccletic shoes and common household kitchenware, and you just take it for granted because you're not as spoiled as me.''
``Oh yeah,'' Chambone said, but was interrupted by a phone call from Lauren. After 114 consecutive ``I love you more''s, Chambers returned to Vesuvius. ``What were you saying dude? I'm a puppy, and I'm in love. Ruff-ruff.''
This enraged Vesuvius even more because, when Vesivius speaks, all ears in the zip code must heed attention! Unfortunately, Chambone listens to know one. Vesuvius yelled ``You will listen to me because I talk loudly!'' And, to force Chambone to listen, he opened chambers Adderrall 160Mg pills, grabbed Chambers peanut head and slammed the potent pills into Matthew's nose. The taste of these familiar focus meds enlivened Chambone, but also made him irritable, and so he retaliated. Bone removed his rubberband necklace and shot it at Faust's Frat gut. The rubberband hit it's target (obviously) and Faust, in his typical Shakespearan manner, yelled in agony ``My life was for thee Piper-fect!'' and fell to the floor, acting as if such a simple welt was like a machete wound. Faust then rolled to-and-fro, making loud noises to assure the spotlight remained on him. However, Faust forgot, he was dealing with Chambone, who became distracted by the Deftones song on the radio. He then went into full-chaotic raver-ball pass dance, which he Atilla, Orphan Sasha dog and JJ `Joy Juice' Giggles-to-loud performed while watching Fantasy Island.

When Vesuvius stopped faking serious injury, he opened his eyes and saw no one. No Daddy, No Mommy, No Piper, No attention. This crushed Vesuvius, who began to cry on his ``Blatantly Obscure Company'' t-shirt. Then, dejected, he returned to his room to listen to the ``Dandelion Hermaphodites'' until Piper came over to yell him back to manliness. However, when Chambers heard the Dandelion Hermaphodites song ``Nipple Canteloupe'', he had a flashback and entered Faust's room, where Vesuvius cried in his bathtub. Bone said to Faust ``Dude, you're sitting in Atilla's pee''.

Vesuvius jumped out as Chambers fell into a drug-induced laughing spell. Faust, angrily wiped his tears, which to his surprise, were rainbow colored. With a wet rainbow tear, Faust slapped the Adderall spasming Bone, who fell into the bathtub of Attila's Golden shower. The pee woke Chambers from his flashback and he tackled Vesuvius to the floor. Bone then rubbed his chin stubble across Faust's blubbery face. The feel of facial hair was foreign to Vesuvius, who began to scream ``Daddy! Daddy!'' Unfortunately, for Vesuvius, his Dad was busy lecturing Lubahn on the poor decision to get high on the Anatole premises while bumping the common White Guy Rap Songs CD, which Mazur burned for him. However, Randall Chambers did hear the screams, and came in to inspect the situation. When he found Bone atop Vesuvius, his heart ceased, as homosexuality to a Baptist is like English to a San Antonio native; Unnatural and misunderstood. Randall Chambers collapsed and Bone leaped off Faust to rescue Randall. As Chambers began resucitating Randall from Homo Induced Cardiac Arrest, Vesuvius, became gayngry at the lack of attention. He returned the kitchen, grabbed the Huka and ran back into his room, where Chambers was looking at Fantasy Football; he got distracted. Vesuvius crept behind Bone and wrapped a Huka cord around his neck. Vesuvius then lit the bowl and, as he inhaled, Bone's head erupted from his body. His mini-head then rolled to the floor, where Attila did the ``Butt-itch wheelbarrow walk'' across Chambers decaying head. Then, as Faust got high to forget the wretched pain, Daddy Warbucks Faust entered and cleaned up both the Chambers's bodies as Golden Boy Vesuvius rearranged his argyle sock drawer.

END FIGHT

These just keep getting weirder.

Six fights remain:

Miller v. Faust in the Arctic Circle Match: Polar Bear vs BiPolar

Weiss v. Portillo in the Battle of the Eyebrows

Mazur v. Williams in the Crude Cage Match: Crude Oil vs. Crude Behavior

There is a triple fight for the final, and, a la WWF final, even those eliminated may resurface from the shadows...