AP _ Less than 48 hours since the heroic rescue of US Navy Captain Richard Phillips, it appeared America was liberated from the savage Somali pirates of the Indian Ocean.
Then they got Chambers.
Late Tuesday night, American engineer turned seaman, Matthew Ryan Chambers, 27, was captured by a gang of 5 booty starved (like the treasure) Somalis off the Gulf of Aden. Reports are still unclear as to how Chambers was captured, though from preliminary findings, it is said that Chambers actually volunteered to be a hostage.
`He came down to my room and told me he was going out with friends,' said Brussels Gonzalez, a co-worker of Chambers. `When I asked him `With who?', he said `pirates'.
According to Gonzalez, after closing the door, he heard Chambers say `Hey, DitSnig, see how high you can shoot that Bazooka'. Gonzalez then heard an explosion followed by a Chambers cackle.
Chambers, known for his eccentric behavior and friendships with dragonflies, was on lookout duty for the evening with his partner Zeke Bloodpuddle. According to Bloodpuddle, when Chambers saw the pirates approaching, he mumbled `I hope they get high'.
When the Pirates pulled close, Chambers gave the international `Y'all smoke?' signal, pinching his thumb and index finger to his mouth, as if taking a hit from a marijuana joint.
`When Matt did the pot-smoke signal, the pirates put their guns down, smiled and Matt helped them aboard,' said Bloodpuddle. `When I told them that no marijuana was allowed on the vessel, one of the pirates shot my leg off with an Ak-47. Then Matt picked up my leg and threw it in the ocean. He threw it far. I bet I won't get it back. I bet.'
The Somalis and Chambers formed a circle and, as appreciation for his hospitality, the Somalis offered Chambers the first hit, or`greens', of a type of marijuana called `genocide', given the name because it is known to wipe everybody out.
According to Bloodpuddle, the Somalis began telling Chambers of a party in the Mombasa cove. Chambers accepted the invitation and offered to wear a blindfold, which, in Somalia, is a symbol of a guest of honor.
President Obama is yet to comment on the plans for the rescue of this true American Hero.
- AP
12 comments:
hahaha
Excellent work Williams.
Nailed Chambers, kept us up with current events....beautiful
`When I asked him `With who?', he said `pirates'.
Nice work. I think this current affairs with the inclusion of an IC player would be a strong column and addition the the blog.
The IC Onion column?
I think yes.
Potential headlines to come:
* Kevin Dalrymple #1 Twitter fan of Jay Cutler
* Chambers actually the father of Bristol Palin's kid
* Faust uses to stimulus check to bolster neat accessory collection
* Williams has to pay double for new United airlines obesity rate
* Portillo photoshops picture of his dog hanging out with Obama's
* Miller creates stem cell oatmeal, enjoys it
Just spitballin' here...
Secret ingredient in Lubahn's Tater-Tot Casserole revealed- dumb dog.
Nesquik® Spokes-Bunny kills himself- replaced by Clint Brown
"Monster Junk" added to Webster's Dictionary- Mazur not credited.
Amber Alert changed to Brian Alert
Nice work A-Dub. Out of all the members in the IC that I could see being a pirate, Chambers would definitely be #1, and I would put Clint at #2. Yes, thats right Clint Brown. Im not sure why on this, but I just see him being a pirate. It might have something to do with his vampire fetish. Miller would be last, yes last. Marc would rather kill pirates for a living than be a pirate.
Bear, you would make the worst pirate. Too honest.
Lubahn would be a good pirate. And you are wrong about Miller. He could easily be a pirate.
Faust, you have the mind of a pirate because you like to steal bracelets from Claires. However, you would make a terrible pirate because you get caught way too easily, "Please empty your pockets young man", (insert loud gulp by a13 year old Adam Faust), 5 pink and orange bracelets fall to the floor.
of a type of marijuana called `genocide'
Bear declares jihad on Acura after being robbed of a collegiate hoopty ride experience. He said he was conned into the purchase after a too fast too furious marathon with weiss.
On a side note - Who had the best worst car? '87 surburban (tan) 2x10 in. subs in the back, '90 f-150 xxxxl (red), '74 hatch-back (blood), '92 lebaron (high), '96 cherokee (sticker), or Antelope.
Inspired by taking the worlds most massive shit, John Madden retires and moves to Jurassic Park. He becomes best friends with the only other human on the island, a boy named Brian Weiss who was kidnapped by a pterodactyl.
That Cherokee was a 1994. And if I accelerated to quickly on the interstate it would shake VIOLENTLY. It was shit-in-your-pants-scary when it happened.
Portillo's '74 blood hatchback is hard to top, especially because he is riding in it right now, mired in swampass and wiping his boogers under the seat. That thing may outlive him.
and Portillio is singing to himself over the traffic because he has no radio and the windows are down to create some sort of cooling effect.
I only blacked out once because of a brain bleed during a "Texas Shake" in the Cherokee
Red Dog - Tapes Only, where the fuck do you buy tapes anyway....oh that's right Weiss has a guy...why Weiss, why
L
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