From our friends at the Onion:

Report: TCU Can Only Enter Big East If They Bring Girls

FORT WORTH, TX—Texas Christian University has been invited to join the Big East athletic conference, an opportunity that would grant them higher visibility and prestige, as long as they "bring some of those hot Texas girls along," Commissioner John Marinatto said Monday. "We are happy to welcome the Horned Frogs to the Big East, as they represent a fine sporting tradition, and also we could really use some new girls around here," Marinatto told the assembled reporters at a press conference. "Boston College had those cute little Catholic girls, but they left when the Eagles went to the ACC, and we could really use some nice Texas-cowgirl trim. Frankly, West Virginia doesn't give it up as much as you'd think, even though they'll do just about anything once you get them liquored up." TCU athletic director Chris Del Conte said he was happy to hook the Big East up, explaining that the conference's automatic BCS bowl bid was more than compensation for Syracuse girls being "totally flat."