We're not that young anymore. Miller
has more salt-n-pepper than a Golden Corral, Butz is an active AARP member, and
Lubahn's oldest kid just applied for college. Wrinkles are showing up, hair is falling
out and watching Tivo-ed episodes of "New Girl" with a bottle of
Pinot is more enticing than going to a bar called Vertigo to stare at girls you
won't talk to on a Saturday night.
But we are still young. We still have good metabolism, are the same age as
professional athletes, and only get referred to as "Sir" by
commission-earning teenaged bell-hops with pimples.
We are physically still considered
"in our primes" for the most part, though still feeling young and still acting
young are entirely different. Some elements of our youth and 20s should be
retired, shelved and locked away post-30, only to be looked back upon with both
fondness and shame, sort of like every other bad habit we've given up along the
way.
Ten
Things to Give Up at 30
10. Going to stripclubs.
You went enough times between 21-30 to
know you aren't missing much but a feeling of remorse, $11 drinks and clothes
that wreak of a girl named Licorice who has two kids and lopsided implants.
9. Getting TOO drunk in public.
With your friends at a summer lakehouse or at a bachelor party, great. At a wedding or work outing or throwing up at a bar called anything O'Shea's on a Thursday is no longer justifiable.
8. Wearing a backwards hat.
Do you still think Fred Durst is cool? Neither does anyone else.
7. Wearing T-shirts with clever slogans.
Showing up at a party or bar wearing a t-shirt that said something like "Beer is the reason I get up every afternoon" was hard to pull off five years ago. It is now impossible.
6.
Posting on Facebook more than 1/Week. Sure everyone is doing it. Politicians, Bill Gates, LeBron, Snooki, Gino Weiss. Doesn't mean you should. If you're getting a haircut, think Chik-Fil-A fries are the best, or got some great shots of a Galveston sunset, no one cares. If they do, and "Like" your bullshit, it is because they too have as little to do as you do.
These are drinks you used to drink for the purpose of getting drunk or because you didn't know what else to order. We are not 20 and this is not The Library or The Cellar. Hold off on the group order of Red-Headed Slut shots (and see #9)
4.
Jewelry.
If it is not a wedding ring, Goose's dog tags from Top Gun, or a hand-woven
bracelet given to you by a young El Salvadorian boy before he died in a
mudslide, take it off. Eventually you will look like a Pizza shop owner or an
indie rocker. You are neither.
3. Movie Quotes.
Yes, the movie was funny and yes a line from it might be applicable at the present time, but Billy Madison came out in 1995, and 11.3 million people have now quoted the "wolfpack" speech from the Hangover. Try to be original because "they may take our lives, but they'll never take... OUR FREEDOM!" (to make up our own jokes)
2. Video games, Fantasy Sports and Cargo Shorts.
If any of these apply to you, you likely know you are indulging in something past its expiration date. Whether it's playing Call of Duty or reading through CJ Spiller's projected stats versus the Bengals, you are fully aware you could and probably should be doing something better with your time. Like ridding your drawers of cargo shorts.
1. Smoking Weed.
Rapper Rick Ross referred to smoking weed as taking a vacation. You zone out, go numb for a few hours and have a mini-mind adventure. We've taken that adventure hundreds of times, and it is fun, but do you still need to "go on vacation" Tuesday night after dinner?
Any and all arguments appreciated. Please include any additions you think worthy of making the list.
