We lost a great opportunity the other day my friends. The Mason-Dixon line of the IC was drawn, sides were known and all were ready to bleed as they bred. Unfortunately the Spurs, Mavs western conference finals will not happen.

I found myself compelled to watch the 8-1 massacre that was that Dallas series. I have no affinity for the mavs but I do have a special place in my heart for Avery and even enjoy the theatrics that the Memphis haircut-Adam Williams look-alike Cuban brings to the table. But watching Nelson on the side lines and with the crew-cut Chris Mullein in the GM's box, I was reminded of what it means to be a true fan.

Many years ago a similar match-up took place, 2-7 seed, Spurs vs Golden Shower Warriors. A young Admiral was patrolling the low post waters, the ninga was on three point line, Dwayne Shyinzes was keeping it real with his Billy Ray Cyrus mullet and David Winefield had just been cleared of sexual assault charges. This case led to a elementary school conversation with my Dad about what happens when a man and women get into a bed together with no underwear on and don't agree on what happened afterwards. But that's a whole separate blog.

Anyway the Spurs and coach Larry Brown were roundly dismissed by the 7-seeded Showers under a hail of Mullein 3's and Tim Hardaway penetrations. Not the homo-phobic penetrations, just slashing cuts to the rim.

Afterwards I was so crushed by the upset that my dad had to walk me around the block to console me and (to be forthcoming) get the whimpering to stop. This and other spurs stories from the early nineties gave me the question "Would I rather have my team win it all as a child, or as a guy in your twenties?". I posted this question to the Bear and the Brain. The brain said in the 20's mos def, the Bear replied "I don't know, I was really a bulls fan as a child". Which brings me to the second point of my post.

Bandwagoners. Don't be one Mavs fans.Of course we all remember that perverted request a few years back when Williams came to the Spurs headquarters general management team (aka the West Lowden Mafia) and asked for membership privileges to the club.
He said all the right things too. "Solid character, team defense, winning before the individual".

Membership Denied.

It was quite awkward too, the sexual equivalent of being hit on by a drunk butch lesbian. Kinda of nice the opportunity was presented, but still we knew it was a temporary request only to be forgotten the next time a mustached pink taco walked by.

So hold strong Mavs fans because if there is anything losing to the Golden Showers taught me, it's that you can only truly experience a championship as a fan, if you've experienced big man being mouth-ass penetrated by Mullein and Hardaway. Or Jackson and Davis.

Bear. Please post the keg winning victory video of the spurs defeating the mavericks in OT on the Parker tear-drop (March 2003) so these guys can remember what it looks like to celebrate a victory.

Go Spurs Go!

Who are these fun boys?

Is there any player more thug than Stephen `Fetus Eater' Jackson? Though this series has been tough to watch, I thought you guys would like the following text exchanges with a former FW Star-Telegram Sports guy:

AW: Stephen Jackson started the Crips
RE: They kicked him out, he was too hardcore

AW: Stephen Jackson killed 2Pac.
RE: 2Pac killed himself because he was afraid of Stephen Jackson.

AW: Stephen Jackson's first toy: Machete
RE: Second toy, 2 days later: New machete to replace dull machete

Notables:
* Stephen Jackson was alone in a dark alley once and had to shoot himself in self-defense.
* The real Axis of Evil is Stephen Jackson, Stephen Jackson and Stephen Jackson.
* Stephen Jackson powders his hands with Anthrax

Fellas,

Obviously I have not posted in a while. About four plus months actually. I have not felt comfortable around everyone, but I want to take this opportunity to get some things off my chest. For starters, I want to let everyone know that I am writing this email in a tone that I would address a brother with. Meaning, I need to clear the air, and I don't plan to lose any friends because of this.

Since our last night together, I had really hoped that time would eventually heal my pride. But all that has happened is that I resigned myself to the fact that I was not going to be at any group functions for a long while. And then something funny happened last week.

You all know me. Which is to say you know I am messy and cheap. So last weekend in Vegas, when Eleah and I were getting ready to go out, i was putting on my nicest pants and emptied my pockets in the process. Of course I don't like to go out big too often so the last time I wore these slacks was our last night in Chicago. And of course, I did not get them dry cleaned so everything from then was there.

So you can imagine my surprise to find the Japana receipt crumpled, torn but still readable in my pocket. When I realized what it was I did not inspect it immediately because, honestly, I loathe my memories of that night. I have not forgotten how I was isolated, ostracized and embarrassed by my best friends.

The images of my friends fighting me, slapping me and screaming into the faces of the girls I had just asked to be in my wedding, have stuck with me. (On a side note, did no one realize that my plan was to propose to eleah only two weeks before this Chicago trip so that I could tell everyone face to face and ask everyone face to face to be in my wedding, including the girls there that night - girls Eleah grew up with?)

So I put the receipt away and forgot about it.

Until today when I did my work expense statement for my trip to Vegas. I looked at the tab, looked at the math and tried to make sense of it. There was just one item I could not figure out on that tab, a phrase called "MIN DIFEREN". So I called Japana and said I had a business meeting there a few weeks back and had to identify for accounting the meaning of this phrase.

The manager informed me that because we had a reservation for the lobby, there was a minimum charge of 75 dollars per person. (Sound Familiar?). So the "MIN DIFEREN" was the amount needed to be charged to reach $75 times the number of people in our party.

I then told him we were aware of that, BUT because the waitress was so slow and poor that night a lot of us open up tabs at the bar (Which I did do like many of my friends). He informed me that the bar tab should have counted against the required $75, especially because the service was under par. He then asked if I had my bar receipt but alas I do not. And that is not the important part to me. This is the important part...

Total required to be reached by Japana = 75 * 16 = $1200 (Note they added one extra person because they knew we were drunk idiots)
Total of "MIN DIFEREN" = $727
Total on Tab that was not directly mine or Faust's (think Moet faust) = $ 313
NOTE: $ 313 for 5 girls plus some beers and whiskeys which I know was not their's.

No one lied.

No one over charged.

Everyone paid there fair part.

We were just too stupid drunk to read the tab and inform them that due to their service we opened up bar tabs. (Plus they added one extra person)

The result? We blamed the people we did not know and punished one of our own for being the immediate contact.

That was wrong. Rarely in my life have I been treated like that. And never have I been treated like that by my best friends. I hope we never do it again because it has fucked with my mind and put significant distance around myself.

So when I came home after Chicago and saw the videos from Jan 2nd, with everyone playing grab ass in the hotel, I could not believe it. First we all act that way, then we act like it did not even happen. That hurt.

Cause it did happen. It was wrong and you can all go fuck yourselves.

But you all are my closest friends. And I don't plan on losing a single friend because of this. I just needed to let you all know how I felt.

ps. I could not get to kinkos but will go and email the pdf of the receipt to anyone who wants it.

hello all,

sorry i haven't posted, emailed, phoned, telegraphed, etc... i'm stacking some pictures for all to see. i had a nice little moustache going, but decided it wasn't for me. i realized i'm all or nothing where facial hair is concerned.

here's a music video, from our favorite swedish dj eric prydz

http://www.internetdj.com/watch_video.php?op=watch&mediaid=15089

hope the link worked. if not, the video "call on me" is a must watch.

we should definitely start planning our new year's get together. i know it seems early but that will likely be my first opportunity to see y'all. it makes me sick thinking about all the fun you boys are having without me. i'll catch up in no time...

anxiously awaiting debauchery with you all,

marc

Meet the Pigeon

2007 LakeHouse Evaluation

Chambers: If it seems like forever ago that we saw Chambers, it is because it was. His early departure on Saturday morning left just a glimpse of memory from his stay. However, for his very first lakehouse appearance, Chambers definitely lived up to par. Even though he had to leave at 7 AM on Saturday morning, that did not stop him from beer bongs, shots, and staying up late partying on Friday night. Well done Matthew!


Best Moment: Chambers tubing. From biting, clawing, choking his opponent with his feet, and flying off like Superman... I am not sure if I've ever had a better time at pulling someone on the tube. Overall Grade: A


C-Brown: Clint did arrive a little later than expected on Friday afternoon, however, I have to excuse some of this time because he did have to stop at Home Depot to buy requested wood. Once Brown finally did make it, he had one goal in mind.... to not remember a damn thing. From his vodka tonics to reliving his days with M.J., Brown was all about a good time.


Best Moment: This could really be a best moment for McIntosh too,.. but it was pretty damn hilarious on the last night when the shaving cream prank actually worked. After Clint killed off the handle of Tito's Vodka, a short visit with Miss M.J., and some flip cup... it was lights out for Brown, who sitting upright in front of the TV in the living room. A little shaving cream and a tickle under the nose is all Brown needed before he was turning into Santa Claus. Classic. Overall Grade: A


McIntosh: Even though he is not a true part of the "IC", I felt like he deserves credit. Not only did he build a new ramp for the wave runner, but he also added another story to the house. Plus, he was there with me until 4 PM washing sheets and cleaning up, and I always give mad props for that.

Best Moment: McIntosh arm wrestling against Mazur. As Mazur is fighting with every bit of his strength, McIntosh looks back at everyone, smiles, and then slams Mazur's arm through the floor. Overall Grade: A



Mazur: Michael had a fantastic weekend as always,.. full of classic facial expressions, bird calls/yelps, sarcasm, and his one-eyed shut drunk face. He made fun of everyone in the group at least once, and even people outside the group (..Count Stackula). The only thing missing from Mazur over the weekend was his fake tattoo, which might hurt his grade slightly.
Best Moment: Flip cup,.. Mazur's celebration dance after each win made it worth losing for my team every time. Overall Grade: A


Faust: Going into his fourth consecutive lakehouse trip, Faust did not miss a beat. He came ready for everything, and when nothing was happening, Faust created something. He knows the lakehouse rules, especially the #1 - never stop drinking and have fun. I love anyone who throws up in their bed, cleans the sheets, and then comes back outside and drinks until 5 in the morning.

Best Moment: With Faust, there are so many to choose from, the reenactment of the fan blade was pretty classic, falling into one foot of water and getting completely soaked was another,... but for me, I have to go football… In our 2 on 3 match, with Faust and I on all-time defense, Adam Faust turned into Brian Urlacher... After already getting one good hit on C-Brown, Faust was feeling his role in the backfield. A couple of plays later and then came the hit of the century,... (Announcer) "Williams drops back (Bear on a hard rush), Williams forced to get rid of it.. throws to Brown who makes the....(BAM)~~OOOOOHHHHHH!!! FAUST OUT OF NO WHERE CLOBBERS BROWN TO THE GRASS!! A text book defensive play by middle linebacker/safety Adam Faust! That guy is an animal today!" Overall Grade: A+++



Williams: Adam, a previous winner in Spring of 2005, was his usual hilarious self throughout the whole weekend. What I really like about Williams is that he can be talked into absolutely anything. On Thursday, he wasn't sure if he was going to partake in smoking, well that didn't take long. Friday, he was a little unsure whether he wanted to tube in the cold water... Faust called him out and Williams was in within five seconds. On Saturday night, McIntosh and I dared him at 2 in the morning that he couldn't climb to the very top of the large oak tree in our yard, after 5 minutes of telling him that he could not do it,... he attempted several times and failed, in fact, he did not even make it to the first branch, but that's beside the point.

Best Moment: Thursday night, I nearly forgot about this moment until last night when the memory crossed my mind and I burst into laughter. Football was thrown in the lake, Williams decides he needs to get on the neighbors dock to fetch it... Instead of going around (the proper way), Williams decides he needs to make a six and a half foot jump in order to get on their dock. He jumps, lands one foot, but cannot bring the other foot up in time, slips, catches himself for about a second or two (hanging sideways parallel to the water), holds for dear life, and then crashes into the water. That was probably the funniest thing that happened all weekend, and I am glad I was one of only 2 people to witness it. The rest of the evening and next morning, Williams wore nothing but a white robe. Overall Grade: A+++



Lubahn: After little thought and consideration, I have decided Brent Lubahn as the MVP of Spring Lakehouse 2007, hands down! There are so many funny moments that involved Lubahn throughout the weekend that I am not really sure where to start. He showed up ready to consume anything that was offered, and consume he did, in massive amounts. And not only that, but he made sure everyone else was as well. Saturday morning, we had a full bottle of Jose Cuervo Tequila, by 4 PM it was gone.

Best Moment: The entire weekend, Lubahn started strong and finished with a bang. Even when I thought his night might be over on Saturday when Darling busted him smoking,... he was right back into action within 15 minutes. Congratulations Lubahn, on this year's 2007 Lakehouse M.V.P. Award. Overall Grade: A+++++


Past Winners:

Spring 2005 - Adam Williams
Labor Day 2005 - Brian Weiss
Memorial 2006 - Adam Faust

The nominations are based on those that I had the funniest pictures of.... Thank you for a great time. I can't wait to hear about all of the things I don't remember.

MAgner video.....very funny

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=828473859196079290&pr=goog-sl

I feel like weiss already knows about this guy

this Alger's Frenchie is only 5 fuckin 11 & peep what he does

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8GszNJ1NCWo

OH SNAP

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=4414799741098232773

Say what you will about Mazur, the guy captures character with a camera.

Chicago

here are most of my pics. my computer shit it's pants when trying to upload a pic of (surprise surprise) my Jamaican friend williams. ..yeah mon i'll have the others up by 2011 mon.
no one die mon.

I don't know if any of you checked the Weather Channel today, but if you did, you saw today's terrifying forecast: Simultaneous eruptions of Volcano Adam and Volcano Chambers in...

THE NATURAL DISASTERS MATCH

How do you go from dormant and docile to violent and venomous? Well, here's a little story about two calm cats with self-restraints equivalent to Ike Turner and Tupac from that movie Juice.

In the spring of 2001, a young raver white bleached hair, wearing 19 rubberbands, Abercrombie shorts and Adidas Gazelles, entered a home on Trail Lake, owned by Adam `Cats in the Cradle' Vesuvious. Immediately, tensions were high. Why you ask? Chambone, the aforementioned raver, walked into his new home to find his exact replica: a young raver with white bleached hair, wearing 19 rubberbands, Abercrombie shorts and Adidas Gazelles. `Is this a mirror?' Chambone pondered. It is in their similarities that the magma heated.
Video games: check
Bong rips: check
Stray girls: check
Excessive jewelry to draw attention to oneself due to a reasonable spoiled upbringing: check

It was evident they had much in common, however, Vesuvius Faust was irked. `How could this stranger be so similar to me? I am so unique and different. I mean look at me, I wear pink bandanas and pretend to speak French.''
Chambers, however, was ``Too busy'' to think of such nonsense. Plus, due to his insufferable chronic fatigue syndrome, he was only awake 11 minutes a day during this era.
Nonetheless, after several angst-ridden hours at Thrift Town, Vesuvius Faust still could not find clothing that distinguished him from his glow-stick yielding new roommate. When Vesivius returned home that day, he smoked 11 cigarettes to calm himself, but, as he put the last one out on his palm, ``Too tired'' McRaves emerged from his cave for his 5:45pm Fruit Loops. It was there, in the Trail Lake #1 kitchen, where the inner-magmas of these two natural disasters could no longer be contained...

FIGHT

Chambers, slouched and droopy-eyed at the table, labored over his Fruit Loops, yawning between bites and lethargically telling Vesivius about his previous day, where, in 11 minutes, he got high, went to Whataburger, met a chick in the drive-thru and took her to his mattress layer. Chambone, then, as his 11 minutes ended, fell face-first into his fruit loops. The milk erupted from the bowl and splattered onto the Huka, Faust's picture of him, Travis Ferris and Eric Stack at Woodsie and his front row Gold Member season passes to the Mavericks for the next 9 seasons, including postgame massages from the players during TV timeouts. BOIL! BOIL! BOOM! TRENDY! Vesuvius Faust exploded, slapping Chambers on the back of the head to wake him. Chambers put his head up, ``Dude, what the fuck is your problem? I'm sooo tired and way tooo busy to deal with this.''
``DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU JUST DID?'' Vesuvius asked. ``My Daddy bought me these tickets and this shirt, plaid pants, house, eccletic shoes and common household kitchenware, and you just take it for granted because you're not as spoiled as me.''
``Oh yeah,'' Chambone said, but was interrupted by a phone call from Lauren. After 114 consecutive ``I love you more''s, Chambers returned to Vesuvius. ``What were you saying dude? I'm a puppy, and I'm in love. Ruff-ruff.''
This enraged Vesuvius even more because, when Vesivius speaks, all ears in the zip code must heed attention! Unfortunately, Chambone listens to know one. Vesuvius yelled ``You will listen to me because I talk loudly!'' And, to force Chambone to listen, he opened chambers Adderrall 160Mg pills, grabbed Chambers peanut head and slammed the potent pills into Matthew's nose. The taste of these familiar focus meds enlivened Chambone, but also made him irritable, and so he retaliated. Bone removed his rubberband necklace and shot it at Faust's Frat gut. The rubberband hit it's target (obviously) and Faust, in his typical Shakespearan manner, yelled in agony ``My life was for thee Piper-fect!'' and fell to the floor, acting as if such a simple welt was like a machete wound. Faust then rolled to-and-fro, making loud noises to assure the spotlight remained on him. However, Faust forgot, he was dealing with Chambone, who became distracted by the Deftones song on the radio. He then went into full-chaotic raver-ball pass dance, which he Atilla, Orphan Sasha dog and JJ `Joy Juice' Giggles-to-loud performed while watching Fantasy Island.

When Vesuvius stopped faking serious injury, he opened his eyes and saw no one. No Daddy, No Mommy, No Piper, No attention. This crushed Vesuvius, who began to cry on his ``Blatantly Obscure Company'' t-shirt. Then, dejected, he returned to his room to listen to the ``Dandelion Hermaphodites'' until Piper came over to yell him back to manliness. However, when Chambers heard the Dandelion Hermaphodites song ``Nipple Canteloupe'', he had a flashback and entered Faust's room, where Vesuvius cried in his bathtub. Bone said to Faust ``Dude, you're sitting in Atilla's pee''.

Vesuvius jumped out as Chambers fell into a drug-induced laughing spell. Faust, angrily wiped his tears, which to his surprise, were rainbow colored. With a wet rainbow tear, Faust slapped the Adderall spasming Bone, who fell into the bathtub of Attila's Golden shower. The pee woke Chambers from his flashback and he tackled Vesuvius to the floor. Bone then rubbed his chin stubble across Faust's blubbery face. The feel of facial hair was foreign to Vesuvius, who began to scream ``Daddy! Daddy!'' Unfortunately, for Vesuvius, his Dad was busy lecturing Lubahn on the poor decision to get high on the Anatole premises while bumping the common White Guy Rap Songs CD, which Mazur burned for him. However, Randall Chambers did hear the screams, and came in to inspect the situation. When he found Bone atop Vesuvius, his heart ceased, as homosexuality to a Baptist is like English to a San Antonio native; Unnatural and misunderstood. Randall Chambers collapsed and Bone leaped off Faust to rescue Randall. As Chambers began resucitating Randall from Homo Induced Cardiac Arrest, Vesuvius, became gayngry at the lack of attention. He returned the kitchen, grabbed the Huka and ran back into his room, where Chambers was looking at Fantasy Football; he got distracted. Vesuvius crept behind Bone and wrapped a Huka cord around his neck. Vesuvius then lit the bowl and, as he inhaled, Bone's head erupted from his body. His mini-head then rolled to the floor, where Attila did the ``Butt-itch wheelbarrow walk'' across Chambers decaying head. Then, as Faust got high to forget the wretched pain, Daddy Warbucks Faust entered and cleaned up both the Chambers's bodies as Golden Boy Vesuvius rearranged his argyle sock drawer.

END FIGHT

These just keep getting weirder.

Six fights remain:

Miller v. Faust in the Arctic Circle Match: Polar Bear vs BiPolar

Weiss v. Portillo in the Battle of the Eyebrows

Mazur v. Williams in the Crude Cage Match: Crude Oil vs. Crude Behavior

There is a triple fight for the final, and, a la WWF final, even those eliminated may resurface from the shadows...

I thought I'd stir up a little trouble.

Faust your head is like an orange on a toothpick.

Bear remember that time Her Bearness kissed Williams and liked it.

Mazur...I have dibbs on Lubahn pulling out a shank and then down goes Mazur. (Don't get a big head Lubahn b/c we really aren't friends. I flipped a coin on this one.)

Faust scratches and doesn't punch b/c he likes every color of the rainbow. He also has a poster of Richard Simmons above his bed.

Later

Hip Hop Artist of The Year - Bone

P.s. I may be headed to Norway for four days so probably will not be at the lake until Friday.

I give you The Wild Hog Catching Contest in Sabinal, Texas

LAKEHOUSE 2007: BATTLE ROYAL

All this fight talk has me thinking this Lakehouse trip could be trouble. We all got a lot of love for one and other, but as we know- it is a thin line between love and fight.

So, who is most likely to allow harmless tomfoolery to turn to an all out brawl.



Mazur & Lubahn- Their parallel lives seem to mirror one and other but these two have some serious demons to summon. They have a history of kicks and punches, but nothing that can be classified as a fight, yet.

Faust & Chambers- Chambers has voiced his dislike repeatedly for me as of late. These two volatile cats could go to war for the most ludicrous of reasons.



Williams & Bear- This Katie Clay kissing thing just isn't over. Bear does not forgive easily. And Williams loves nothing more than to bring up issues that he knows are of the highest sensitivity.

Vaughn & Brown - Vaughn's got a loose tongue and she is more than likely to bring up a certain indiscretion of Brown's that he would rather forget.

Clay & Darling - Because that would be awesome.

Gang Members find home in Downtown Fort Worth

Once upon a time, Fort Worth was one of the coziest cities in America. Lately though, the city has seen an enormous rise in gang population, particularly in the downtown area. Old English style graffiti of the gang name “Mazur” (with the Z turned backwards) has seemingly overnight appeared on every building downtown. In such a quiet and peaceful city, it is very unsettling to all the current residents who have been shocked by what has taken place, especially Texas Christian University who believe that the lead gang member might have been an ex-student. Ashley Cannon, a former TCU student, said she encountered the leader and his gang-banger at a downtown pub fairly recently, “It was a little uneasy to see such a violent person at one of our bars, I mean, this is Texas “Christian” University, why on earth would a gang want to be here!?” Ashley told reporters that although she was scared for her life, she happen to catch a glimpse of the leader’s face and was stunned by what she then saw. “I knew him” she said, “He was a Lambda Chi and I promise you that I knew every single Lambda Chi Alpha ever at TCU. He was even trying to hide his face because he knew that I would recognize him.” Unfortunately Ashley was too afraid to report his name to authorities because she is scared for her life and feels she might have already said too much.

So beware Fort Worth because your city is in extreme danger. If you see this man, run like hell and contact the authorities as soon as you can. This is a very danger man.

A short description of the lead member was reported by a few patrons who have seen him at downtown bars: 5’ 10”, 185 lbs, strong build, tattoos up and down his left arm, droopy eyes, and most of the time will be seen wearing a bandana, Banana Republic jeans, and Crock shoes. He also prefers an orange slice with his beer.

I'm sure I said something to deserve this...

bear we love you because you're a rockstar....

...you can dance....

....but most of all because you're a BEAR......

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I'M A BEAR. BEAR. AAAAHH

I would just like to say that I love everybody here, true friends indeed.

THE WILLIAMS

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=7453539868728987674

Due to excessive lengths and a waning battle series, it's been decided that fights are shortened to crown the eventual winner and remove the Blog pause stemming from the series. That said, buckle up for dollar signs and corporate chaos in

THE WALL STREET FIGHT

HISTORY

These two fiananciers have a deep rooted history and, though from the same hometown of Guadalajara, Texas, they didn't cross paths until locking horns as Business School rivals in Harry `Potatoes' Echols Operational Managament course at `THE' TCU. Though their firey academic competitive rivalry boiled at 9:30 on Tu/Th, the real friction brewed at the location of today's fight: The legendary, revered, loved and thoroughly longed for: West Lowden Estates.

How the fight came to be: After a long day of cramming for Echols midterm, though Matt Lopez gave them the scantron answers two days prior, Clinton and Michael Texas T-Rex calmed their nerves with a few rips from an old deceased friend, Baby Blue Bong. After stoning themselves silly, Michael rummaged in the fridge and found the last remaning CockRoach and lettuce sub. T-Rex devoured the sub and washed it down with a full bladder of Franzia, that had an expiration date of 1987. Clinton, a tad peaved with the consumption of the last cockroach, was fortunate enough to find a tarantula bar, which appeased his appetite.

However, it was then the quarrel erupted.

When Clintonian returned to his lair, he found a drunken T-Rex looking at his chest in Clinton's full-length mirror. As T-Rex pounded on his chest, he turned to Clintonian's bed side table and, without asking, slurped down the remains of a Brown Midnight Special: Chocolate Milk!! Knowing that no chocolate syrup remained, Brownie tried to grab the beverage to salvage a sip. However, when he did, the remaining Choco-Lactose spilled, coating Clint's nightime thriller ``Blade 9: Vampires Gone Wild''. T-Rex, knowing how incensed Clintonian would be, quickly turned to the computer to play the Jimmy Eats World classic ``Sweetness''. However, when he hit play, an unclosed Anime porn site popped up. Not only was Brown enfuriated at the porn selection of the hairy roommate, but, as Sweetness played Clinton yelled ``This song isn't on the MONSTER BALLADS ALBUM!!" At this point, T-Rex dropped, did two push ups and stood to face the wrath of Brown, the Stock Annihilator...

FIGHT!!

Clinton turned and looked at T-Rex, who, in terror, yelled ``MOM!!?'' to summon A-Chub from his patio-garden room. Unfortunately, A-Chub was busy plugging in cheat codes on Grand Theft Auto 3 and was too engaged to assist. Brownie then swung around, grabbed his bottle of LA Looks and doused Mazur's barren chest. Mazur, pleased to have a lube to accentuate his pectorals, began rubbing the gel and saying ``Ohh, you like that little kangaroo, don't you? Kangaroos like muscles, don't they janitor boy?'' Clintonian, confused by this, swiveled around again and grabbed his TI-83, which he threw at T-Rex's head, striking him and drawing first blood. T-Rex then yelled ``Now it's gettin' hood Monkey Blood!'' and quickly pressed play on Coldplay's ``Trouble'', Clinton's least favorite West Lowden jam. Brownie covered his ears in terror and Michael grabbed a comb and destoryed Clinton's impeccable hair, thus weakening the Annihilator, a la Samson. While Brown stood frazzled, T-Rex darted to his room and took his black-and-white still photos from his wall. As Clint charged down the hall, hair a mess, T-Rex began yelling ``Look, Art! Art! Art!'' Because Art is abstract and requires unquantifiable appreciation, Clint shrieked and retreated back in terror to his room. To avoid the charging, art-yielding T-Rex, Clinton wisely snuck through the connected closets, entering the patio layer of A-Chub. T-Rex, realizing he could go through the kitchen to meet Clint, darted the other direction. However, Brownie, again wisely, opened the inside window from the Patio Lair and threw six A-Chub bed tarantulas onto T-Rex. Before T-Rex could react, the tarantulas ate his leg flesh, leaving him with only bones. Clinton, thinking this was victory, cackle-laughed and sat in the den to watch the movie Heat for the 73rd straight day. Brown did not anticipate however, that though T-Rex's leg flesh was gone, his legs were now actually bigger! Encouraged by his new leg strength, T-Rex spotted Pterodactyl the cat scampering across the floor. With one quick volley, T-Rex kicked Pterodactyl onto Brown's face. Pterodactyl attacked Brown, clawing his face and, when done with him, took a viscious yellow diarrhea on his face. It looked like the end of Brownie, and Mazur went to celebrate with Portillo, who was in Clint's room, looting his closet and trying on his clothes. However, Clint, losing consciousness, got a small taste of the yellow doo-doo, and like Popeye is to Spinach, Clint is to Yellow excrement. This revitalized Clint. Brown then slyly snuck into Mazur's room and removed all of his tidy-whiteys from his drawers. Cackle-laughing, Clint ran outside with all of Michael's underwear, which he planned to donate to the Brite Divinity students. However, as Clint exited, a police light shone in his eyes and yelled `You with the underwear, Don't MOVE!'' Hearing this, T-Rex, Portillo, Mitchell, Pterodactyl, 128 cockroaches, 9 tarantulas, Andrew Olson, some girl from the Keg and A-Chub came running outside. It was there that T-Rex made his wisest move. As T-Rex exited onto the porch of West Lowden, he jumped on the Electro-Motor Scooter. He rode the scooter out into the yard and grabbed the undies from Clint. Laughing and yelling ``Kasalinghounmippie!'' he turned and looked back at Clint, unfortunately, an unidentified car was parked in front of the home. T-Rex slammed into the bumper of the car and lay sprawled out on the hood. Unexpectedly, a McCaro brother showed up on the scene and started rubbing T-Rex's groin. Clint began to cackle and ran with Mitchell to watch the molestation. However, as Brown and Mitchell ran to the scene, a 38-wheel cement mixer pulled onto the street. Everyone gasped and a loud crunch was heard. As the truck pulled away, only Mitchell emerged on the other side of the street. Clint was run over. His corpse was then deposited into the back of Kurt's truck, where Clint was laid to rest with Jon Edmonson, who died from Mole-aria and Air Conditioner vomiting. Though T-Rex was molested, Clinton Annihilator was dead, thus meaning...Mazur `Texas T-Rex' MOVES ON TO FACE WILLIAMS in ROUND 2, which is most anticipated matchup in tourney history!!

Oh, and this has 8 million inside jokes, but all are damn good stories of the glory days.

I like this tournament.

Outtie

Alrighty here's where to send drugs, alcohol, black market body parts, small arms and munitions, asian whores, fanmail etc. :

LCPL Miller, Marc T.
1st RECON BN B CO
UNIT 40544
FPO AP 96426-0544

from what i gather mail can take anywhere from ten days to a month. don't be surprised if you go a month, maybe longer, hopefully way less, without hearing from me. the aforementioned are taboo, faux paux, not pc, in extremist muslim no-separation-of-church-and-state land so use cunning, ambiguity, and disgression, all at the same time, if sending.

peaces,

Guile

Gypsies

On my lunch break from my rigourous two-day-a-week schedule I was relaxing at a little cafe. I had a coffee and a cheese and tomato panini while I read the battle-of-the-bong. She came from the shadows with a baby in each hand. As I looked up she had thrown one of the babies high in the air and I dove to catch the gypsey baby girl just before she hit the ground. (as Miller and Lubahn can attest my hands are as supple as Art Monk's). Then I looked up and saw the other baby was already on his perilous way down. I placed the girl down in a basket of fish and chips (I also ordered that as a snack) and snagged the boy before he fell into my bangers and mash (sausage and mashed potatoes- a little dessert).

By this time the gypsy had made a move for my laptop but luckily my friends Oliver and Clive were there to stop her. Unfortuantely they were too weak to stop her and merely said in a stern voice, "Pardon me, but would you mind buggering off!" This is when she settled for the phone and dissapeared into thin air.

Piper and I are now raising two gypsy chlidren.... Avocado and Glove.

I got gyped.

Duh, dun, dun, dun, duh...

The day has arrived young Jedis. Today is the day, the day that decides who takes their finger off the carb and clears the lurking smoke remaining from:

THE BATTLE OF THE BONG

This is the 4 VERSUS 9 matchup.

Let's take a look at the pre-fight notebook.

The media is buzzing around the 4-seed Kevin McSupercalves, the dark bear in this tournament. Known for his peaceful, calm demeanor, McSupercalves has warned opponents not to underestimate his agressive switch, which is most visible in his rippling Sequoia trunk legs or when Rex Grossman throws 4 first half INTs.
McSupercalves has been lax in his preparation for this fight. Here's a clip from an interview this week. (Cut to video of McSupercalves. He is wearing a Urlacher jersey, sitting in his room with only the black light on. He is listening to Dark Side of the Moon and watching SportsCentury: 85 Bears)

Suzy Kolber: So, McSupercalves, do you fear B-Dub? Apparently he's been training extensively for the fight.
McSuper: Shutup bitch. This is my favorite line on the album. (singing/grumbling) ``New car, caviar, four-star dream. Think I'll buy me a football team.'' (that's a real lyric)
Suzy Kolber: McSupercalves, can we talk about the fight?
McS: Fight? It's freaking Weiss. He's fragile. That guy is weaker than dirty schwag. Seriously, I'm just gonna show up high, beat him in NCAA 2007, smoke, and then watch the Spurs.
Suzy Kolber: What about the fight though?
McS: Do you like the Bears?
Suzy Kolber: Sure, their... (cut off)
McS: Than shutup and watch this clip of McMahon. That guy is so rebelious.
(Enter Ginger, who mauls Kolber. Then, Kevin and Ginger eat her body)

His opponent and long-time friend, Brian, B-Dub, (s)Weiss Cheese, does not carry a lot of clout and is not anticipated to put up much of a fight against his hearty opponent. B-Dub admits to being gun-shy after his Rodney King episode in late December, however, he has been training to avenge his assailants, running and wrestling daily with his blue-skinned trainer Gino.

(Cut to Weiss/Gino Mike Tyson Punchout type montage. Weiss runs with a headband on and bball shorts through Arizona cacti. Weiss falls in cacti and grimaces in pain. Gino, no advocate of sympathy, bites B-Dub's curly locks and pulls him through the cacti, barking at him with a dubbed Mr. Miagi voice saying `Get up B-Dub-Son'. The montage then cuts to B-Dub training on a treadmill. He is sweating and struggling. Gino levitates in front of him, holding a bag of dro and box of clorox to tempt B-Dub. The montage ends with Gino humping the now tone leg of B-Dub. They laugh, and, as a 1-uper, B-Dub humps Gino's leg, as if to say `thank you' for all the training. Close montage)

Fight History

This fight started in 2004, when B-Dub and McSupercalves decided it was `grow-up' time and moved out of their Lubbock St. campus friendly home. It was a very traumatic day, but, with emotions riding high, they both entered the living room at the same time. The house was entirely empty, except for the foosball table and, in the center of the living room, a long, sleek, blue bong, with a freshly loaded bowl of hydroponics. They both approached it and put their hands on it simultaneously. After a long staredown, weed-anger overcame both of them and then...

FIGHT!

The fight starts as expected, with Bear grabbing Weiss by the hair. Bear/McSupercalves then, still holding Weiss's Froto Baggins locks, picks him up and begins to swing him around in the air. As he does, he begins to sing `Bear Down, Chicago Bears'. McSuper then opens the front door and hurls Weiss 200 yards onto to the top of the MJ Neeley School of Business. Bear then returns to bong and sits indian-style as he prepares to smoke. As he pulls the lighter from his Chicago Cubs hoody, the phone rings. It Katie Clay, calling to admit she kissed Adam Williams again. Meanwhile, Weiss regains consciousness atop of the buidling when he hears the beats of his favorite Liberian-Greenland rapper/crooner, MC Martian. He awakes inspired, however is still 40 feet atop a building and his pale skin is beginning to burn. As B-Dub looks down from the edge of the building, Gino stares at him from the base of the building. Gino then levitates up to B-Dub. Gino barks ``We must prevail B-Dub-son''. Weiss then jumps on Gino and, a la The Neverending Story, flies across Fort Worth and then returns to the door of their Lubbock Street home. Bear answers the door and looks down at Gino. As Bear goes to pet Gino, Weiss viloently knees Kevin in the head. Kevin stumbles back and calmly says ``Ow''. Miffed by Kevin's strength, Weiss darts to the foosball table and picks up the foosball balls. As Kevin runs into the gameroom, Weiss throws the ball at Kevin, which misses, hits the wall and bounces back to strike Bear in the CALF. Ahhhhh! Kevin yells in agony, as the ball punctures his hot-air balloon calves and Kevin crumples to the ground face first. With the open wound from his calves exposed, Weiss picks up the foosball table and prepares to hit Bear with it. But, as he turns back to Bear, two families of five crawl out of his calves. Apparently, in a freak genetic inicident, two families of five had learned to thrive and flourish in his calves;The Hendersons and the Buckets. Because they are so small, Weiss replaces the midfield players on the foosball table with the Hendersons and Buckets. Years down the line, B-Dub will make millions from this creation. Nonetheless, as Weiss teaches the Hendersons and Buckets the rules of the game, Bear awakes, however, lacking support from his calves, is no longer a Bear, but a flamingo! The flamingo then attempts to attack B-Dub, who quickly casts the spell of Sleep on the Flamingo. The Flamingo has fallen asleep. Gino levitates into the room and tells B-Dub-son ``Finish him''. B-Dub grabs a headband and begins to wrap it around the Flamingo's neck, however, as the flamingo loses breath, Weiss's true nemesis AB, enters the home and begins to smoke the fresh bowl. B-Dub, enraged, enters the room and high kicks AB's head off. Gino then runs to AB's head and, with a box-cutter, carves a bong from AB's skull. B-Dub, so pleased to have killed his nemesis, returns to the gameroom and chants the spell of ``Gentle Bear'' on the Flamingo. Kevin is returned in full form, calves and all. Then, as a show of peace, the two smoke a bowl out of AB's head, the perfect finale to the Lubbock home. Ten minutes later, the two are stoned and decide to play one last game of foos. Weiss takes the Buckets and Bear, the Hendersons. Tied at 8, Weiss plays the ball back to his goalie, who passes to Brian Bucket, who rifles a goal into the corner. As the ball crosses the goalline, Bear vanishes and Gino appears. He looks at Brian and declares ``You have prevailed young salmon''. In the first stunning upset of the tournament B-DUB and SENSAI GINO WIN and will move on to play PORTILLO in the BATTLE OF THE EYEBROWS.

Weiss's winnings go to the CWAGA? (Can't We All Get Along?) foundation.

Bear's winnings go to CBTC - Chicago Bears Tailgating Committee.

See you soon, Tyler Derden

The long awaited

ROUND ONE
Let's take it one fight at a time. Everyone chime in with other versions of the fight and an official vote on who you think would win...

THE BATTLE OF THE PLATES

This is the 3 versus 10 matchup. Let's take a quick look at the fighters before we get into the action.

Lee Matthew Portillo, a feisty middleweight from San Antonio, Texas, credits his scrappy fighting technique and gruff disposition to being ridiculed in his youth for his premature bearding (age 9), 19 second `Uuuuuummmm'' pauses and st-st-st-stuttering p-p-problems. B-b-but as Lee states, `What ddddoes not kkkkill me, 0nly made me, uuuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmmmmmmmm, stronger.'

Brent Scott Lubahn, a delicate featherweight from Minnesota, says his love for fighting is more from a promotional standpoint, as he claims he would rather be the one instigating a clash than participating in one. However, for today's exception, BS Lubahn says he has spent extra time training, dedicating a daily 30 minutes of shin roundhouses to his wife, son and dyslexic dogs. Also, in preparation for the fight, Brent has downed a bottle of 6$ red wine to redden his teeth, making him look rabid, and has swallowed 4 shots of Southern Comfort to alleviate his social awkwardness.

The controversy between these two stems from the ``Great Plate Debate'' of late 2003. BS Lubahn cowardly claims that former friend and roommate Lee stole his K-Mart plastic Moose plates, which Melissa plastered and painted and Atilla peed on. Portillo states he is innocent of plate theft, but guily of pleasuring himself on Brent's computer and rancor odor. Today, the Plate Debate will be shattered, forever...

FIGHT LOCATION: Where their friendship was forever altered: 4724 Trail Lake

FIGHT!

The fight opens in the front yard, with Brent nabbing the first blow, as he pointed down the street and asking `Is that Eleah?' Portillo turned and Lubahn struck Lee's shin with a volley to the shin. OUCH! Lee grabs his shin and Lubahn slaps Lee in the face, causing his recently fixed teeth to fly into the street. Enraged, Lee stands and fright overcomes Lubahn, who runs behind the immovable 4724 stump. Portillo, blinded by rage and faltering $2 sunglasses, charges Lubahn, only to fall in the infamous 4724 hole, which Lubahn covered with a plate. Portillo's fall leaves him writhing in pain. Lubahn laughs, but, as his confidence grows, the Trail Lake homeless skateboarder pulls into the driveway. Lubahn is terrified and runs into the house, turning off all the lights and hiding under his sheets, which are marred by Bailey's chewmarks. Outside, the Trail Lake skateboarder and Lee befriend one another and speak of their drifter adventures and Nietzche's existentialism. The skateboarder gives Portillo mushrooms in exchange for Lee's teeth fillings. The skateboarder then boards a Greyhound and heads south to Buenos Aires. Saddened by the exit of a true soul, Lee rings the firehouse-alert doorbell. Brent sneaks out of the backdoor, grabs a tiki-torch and approachs Lee from behind. Lubahn whacks Portillo in the back, but the magic mushrooms have created a shield around Lee, which electocutes Brent, sending him flying back into the garage door. As he falls, he lands on the far brick wall of 4724, creating a HUGE dent in the bricks, thus resolving another long-lasting 4724 saga. Portillo then walks to Brent's body, puts it over his shoulder and walks to the Oui. There, Lee meets and hits on a 40-something woman and Lubahn remains passed out on a stool. Melissa walks in with Stadler, Dana and the crew. Melissa is steamed to find Brent passed out in public again. Stadler says `He must have drank his dinner!'' While he laughs, Portillo turns and rips off Stadler's head and beats Dana to death with it. Yes! Yes! Yes! Portillo, now drunk, takes Lubahn over his shoulder again and walks to Kevin and BW's house to get high. When he arrives, he places Lubahn on the ground and puts a stereo by his passed out head. Portillo then goes and plays `See who can eat grass' with Bear, thus exhausting Portillo. Lubahn awakes and walks into the front yard, where he finds Portillo on the porch. He surprises Portillo with a shin kick, putting Lee on the ground. Lubahn repeatedly kicks Lee, looking as if he will win the fight. But, as if a gift from God, Lee sees a box of PanBurger lying on the ground. He crawls to it, pours it into his mouth and jumps to his feet. Lubahn, again scared, turns to run, but Lee, a la San Diego hotel night, Wolverine jumps on Lubahn. Taking off his shirt, Lee begins rubbing his `chest vest' on Lubahn's face. Lubahn is squirming but, as he considers conceding, sees Bailey running towards them. He calls frantically `Bailey! Come Here girl! Bailey!'' Unfortunately for Brent, when Bailey arrives, she does not assist, simply grabs Lubahn's shoes and chews them visciously. As second degree burns develop, Lubahn gives up, granting victory to Portillo. The two get up and, in a true show of camaraderie, return to Trail Lake, get high and watch Reno 911. They eat toast and chimichanga's on, what else, the missing Moose plates.

Lee dedicates his winnings to the `Katie Clay Japonais' foundation.
Brent, who was compensated in hearty steak soup, dedicates his winnings to the `AARD: Adoption Agency of Retarded Dogs' foundation.

Portillo moves on to face the winner of THE BATTLE OF THE BONG

SCOTTSDALE, AZ

Williams is doomed!

McDonald's is contemplating all-day breakfast.....

http://chicagobusiness.com/cgi-bin/news.pl?rssFeed=news&id=23917

Adam "The Bee Keeper" Williams - 2008

FIGHT TIME

With another reunion on the horizon, it's time to get the ol' Blog kicking again. That said, with much talk about fighting, it's tourney time. Graphic Design team Faust will post an NCAA tourney style bracket the pits members of the IC in versus mode.

The tenative seeding is as follows:

1. Marcus Arelius Miller - AKA No Limit Solja
2. A ``The Incredible Pudgy Hulk' W
(Both 1&2 seeds receive byes into the second round. If you want to debate that, well, don't. We'll beat your brains in)

First Round Action:
BATTLE OF THE PLATES:

3 Seed: Lee `Japonais Chimichanga' Portillo VERSUS 10 Seed Brenton `Daddy Shin Kick' Darling.
- Portillo's fatality is petty theft (plates, cell phones, clothing, floss)
- Lubahn's fatalities are a Phone call and/or a Shin roundhouse

BATTLE OF THE BONG:

4 Seed: Bear `Rhino Calves' Dalrymple VERSUS 9 Seed: Brian `Arizona Crackti' Weiss
- Bear's fatalities are: a quick-witted Blog post, a `who kissed Katie' ass-kick, or making his opponent eat grass
- BW's fatality is injecting clorox into his opponents eyes or sensitive Message board defaming of his opponent
* BW is a dark-horse considering his partner is a blue-skinned flying Italian Dingo

WALL STREET FIGHT:

5 Seed Clint `Stock Any-ihilator' Brown VERSUS 8 Seed: Mikey `Texas Tea-Rex' Mazur
- Brown's fatalities include: Poisoning via Hair gel called the ``LA `don't' Look'', the 5AM wake-up call and, of course, the Yellow Stress-Induced Cleveland Steamer
- Mazur's fatalities include: The Pec flex to ya neck, The Scream of Terror that erupts your eardrums and the Excessive Insult, which crushes opponents souls

NATURAL DISASTER MATCH: WHEN VOLCANOS ERUPT

6 Seed Adam `0 and 8 Mate' Faust VERSUS 7 Seed Matt `Mutilating Mariner' Chambone
- Faust looks to get off the fight snide and earn his first victory with such fatalities as: Second Hand Lung Punch, The Vesuvius, where he violently tirades you unexpectedly, and/or Torture Tears, where after he listens to The Erotic Shoelaces album, he hurls poison tears at your skull.
- Chambone's fatalities include: The Rubber Band Strangler with his 41 wrist bands, the Chin Beard Rug Burn and Adderol Asphixiation, where he focuses for 11 hours on choking his opponent.

Let the games begin. Faust add pics.

Williams, get a life.

Out

Happy Valentine's Day

As those of us who prepare for this bullshit of all bullshit holidays I was curious what you guys are thinking of doing for your loved ones? Piper does not recognize this holiday and agrees it is commercialized crapola.... I still probably have to get her a card or something, right?

Skip the fancy dinner and flowers and try and be novel. Maybe a pig's heart wrapped in looseleaf paper? Or take a drive out to a romantic hilltop and fuck her in the asshole.

And to our single men's club...what are your plans. Especially now with no Booya7 to strike you with cupid's hard-on. This day may seem especially difficult without it.

It is truly a stupid day.

I wrote this for a radio station this morning. It is long yes, but I'd like to hear my bois weigh in.

In the era of me-promoting, where YOU was named Time’s Person of the Year, Anna Nicole Smith’s death is undoubtedly the apex headline in the world of the undeserving famous. It was unsurprising, and yet disturbing, to find Anna Nicole’s picture atop media outlets throughout the country. My question is, `Why are we so compelled to discuss a figure who sacrificed her soul for our attention’? Why is this person, ridiculed for her shallow existence, worthy of our discussion? I find the answer to be fame, which although we may not admit, has established itself as maybe the number 1 ambition in our culture.
Look at our television programs: American Idol, Beauty and the Geek and the Surreal Life. It seems that we, as a people, are willing to subject ourselves to humiliation and ridicule simply to be known, not for talent, but for our disregard for self. These hollow characteristics were Anna Nicole Smith. Her life was an immoral sacrifice to attain money, recognition and fame. And yet, because of her despicable behavior, she was glorified, thus completing her lifelong objective of fame. My parting question is: Do we not have the presence of mind to ignore such soul-sacrifice? Or, is there a part of us that, deep down, maybe wish that we too could have what Anna Nicole did have: Fame.

On a boat in Trinidad and Lubahn calls. Lubahn calls no one and when he does...wait he doesn't. I asked him if it was an emergency. He said no so I told him I had to work and hung up on him. We are friends.

P.s. I didn't have to work.

P.s.s. I'm just kidding Lubahn.

Ok, I'm going to be a dick. I think I'm a little biiter. Maybe because I am watching the Superbowl with British announcers. Could you imagine how anoying that is?

One of my roommates reminds me of Adam Stadler. He is actually much worse. He talk constantly even when he has nothing worth saying. he knows nothing about football. And these kind of people are miserable to watch the Superbowl with.

So, to entertain myself during the 2nd quarter I thought it would be fun to document how truly awful my roomate is.... word for word.....

12:29AM
"Have you seen the trailer for the Fantastic Four sequel?"

"Does your vagina hurt?"

12:30 AM

"Milk was a bad choice!" (from Anchorman)

"SUV commercials should have more hot chicks."

"Hey Stupid!"

"Peyton is tall. That helps him see more."

12:32 AM

"Do you want to do mushrooms this weekend?"

"Well, if not, then when?"

"Whatever, pussy."

12:34PM

"I'm going to see The Killers in Paris."

"I like!" (from Borat)

12:37AM

Falls asleep.... Wow, I didn't see that coming. My other roomamte just noticed and smiled. He didn't even make it to halftime. That's awesome. Now I can enjoy the game in peace. Cheers.

Headline aimed as us?:

Bush puts 'ic' back in 'Democratic Party'

Made me think of friends. Hugs.

Bear Down.

I am drunk you idiots. I love you guys the way any drunk friend loves his friends- wholeheartedly. And without proper discretion, without any fear of seaming over sympathetic or concerned. Becaus eI am concenred.

About Clint's hair being too wavy until it joins the Gulf of Mexico.
About Lubahn's baby growing thinking snakes are heavenly and doves are evil.
About Mazur making too much crude money and forgetting that he is a painter.
About Williams dizzying himself into oblivion.
About Weiss hiding in the desert until he wakes up in 2026.
About Portillo getting married to a wicked hot girl.
About Miller ending up on the cover of Time as "A Soldier's Story"
About Dalrymple if the Bears lose.

I am not concerned about Chambers. He will be fine.

There is love. It is quite real. Mazur has it. So does Brent. I'm sure Lee has something. I think I got it too. It's not like I thought. It is much cloudier. It is not red or white or blue. It is this cloudy orangish color. It is never fully distinguishable. It is there. Rght in fornt of you, but you can't quite touch it. You can feel it, but you can never hold it in your hand. That's why it is so mysterious.

I will pass out now.

The unfortunate day has come...............

Booya7 is no longer!

Williams is doomed..............


Round and Brown,
L

When I lived by a Mosque in FW, Mazur used to make remarks when we passed it as he took me home from work because I was so fat that the bench seat in my truck collapsed and all my tires went flat. I also ate my steering wheel.

Last week, I wrote some jokes for a radio station inspired by our resident `no boundaries' jokester. Here they are, and again, thanks Grand Dragon Mazur...

- Barrack Obama got his first taste of political smear tactics yesterday, as stories circulated that he attended a Muslim extremist school in Indonesia as a child. Obama denied the story on Dateline Aljazeera.

- Barrack Obama got his first taste of political smear tactics yesterday, as stories circulated that he attended a Muslim extremist school in Indonesia as a child. Though he confirmed he did attend an Indonesian school, he said he failed Pipe Bombing 101.

- Barrack Obama got his first taste of political smear tactics yesterday, as stories circulated that he attended a Muslim extremist school in Indonesia as a child. The Obama campaign smeared back, saying that Hilary Clinton lost her virginity at Muslim Extremist Woodstock.

THE DESERT

For those still suffering from post-Chicago depression, I have a solution for you: Brian "B-Dub" Weiss, Marc "(Insert Millerism)" Miller, and Kevin "Myself" Bear all in Scottsdale, Arizona for a weekend of even more debauchery. As of now, no females will be joining us, and you know what that means,..... lots and lots of butt sex. Because these plans are kind of last minute, I am not expecting any kind of big reunion like Chicago, however, it might be best suited to call this gathering a sub-reunion trip. Think of it like Nicorette Gum - just a quick fix until the next big kick.

The date of arrival for both Miller and I is Friday, February 16 (Three weeks from today) and departure will be Monday, February 19. Even though this is last minute, Southwest Airlines does offer discount prices from now until next Friday (2 + weeks before flights), so it might be worth checking out. Scottsdale is supposed to be the place to be these days, and the weather this time of year is unbeatable. I have spoken to Weiss, and he concurs, the more the merrier. So book your flights, mark your calendars, and I will see you all in the desert!

Today the assignment in class was to create a non-family tree with images or type. My British professer said try and not use people. But I had already begun to compile, designate, and navigate through who and how we were all connected. I chose each color specifically.

I want you to know that I am quite happy here in my first month. Piper and I are getting along well and being the only American in my class has been very cool.

I am reading a good book right now called, The Sportswriter.... and when I came across this sentence on the train tonight I knew I wanted to share it with all of you.

"The stamp of our parents on us and of the past in general is, to my mind, overworked, since at some point we are whole and by ourselves upon the earth, and there is nothing that can change that for better or worse, and so we might as well think about something more promising." - Richard Ford

I love you all very much. Good luck out there...

This is the exact moment when Bear found out Katie gave Williams a little peck on New Years Eve....

HI FRIENDS

I know I post my stupid writings often, but these are somewhat of an exception. I hope that, throughout your day, when needing a cheap laugh, you'll stop by here to read a spoof story. Don't try to read them all in one sitting, for tired-head could occur. Also, I submitted them to Q101, a pretty money station here and they've been reading them in the morning. So smiles...

- Denver is the only US city that has not heard of the increased temperatures stemming from global warming. Most likely because they're under 19 inches of snow.

- After Monday’s 115-mph blizzard winds, only weeks removed from two devastating December blizzards, Denver citizens were seen doing a `Global Warming Dance’ to summon the alleged Earth warming wrath of 2007.

- In an interview Monday, Bears Linebacker Brian Urlacher confessed his concern with Sunday’s playoff game: ``Well, they have a lot of weapons,’’ Urlacher said, ``Like Shaun Alexander, Matt Hasselbaeck and Grossman.’’ A reporter answered ``But Grossman’s on your team’’, to which Urlacher asked ``He is?’’

- Still in a recovery phase after Hurricane Katrina, New Orleans residents were pleased to learn that the threat of killer bees was actually just a Wu Tang Clan reunion tour.

- Disney’s Tigger, who pimp-pawed a dorky 14-year old over the weekend, explained the battering by saying ``Thinking of all those years tormented by lame Christopher Robin really brought out the non-queer tiger in me’’.

- Governor Rod Blagojevich officially began his second term as Illinois Governor yesterday in Springfield. Despite investigations of wrongdoing, Blagojevich assured the audience he was a ``goodfella’’ and was ecstatic to be ``made’’ a second time.

- Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn sat on the same row at the People’s Choice Awards Tuesday night. Sitting between them: an enormous pink elephant.

- It was rumored that actress Nichole Ritchey, who wears a size `Double 0’, was seen buying Fruit Loops yesterday afternoon. When asked if she was eating again in 2007 she replied ``No, I’m just buying some new belts.’’

- Johnny Depp appeared on the People’s Choice Awards via satellite to accept his Award as Best Male Actor. Depp was donning a velvety jacket and speaking in his new dialect: CoolMysterious-ish.

- Apple CEO Steve Jobs unveiled the new Iphone, which combines the Ipod, a cell phone and Internet access. Jobs also mentioned his idea for his next invention, the Idog, which combines the attributes of Lassie, Benji and Clifford in a Chihuhua’s body.

- The Malibu fires ravaged and destroyed the Oceanside home of actress Suzanne Somers, Tuesday. Just goes to show you that the old boy scout adage of rubbing two Thigh Masters together to start a fire really does work.
OR
The Malibu fires ravaged and destroyed the Oceanside home of actress Suzanne Somers, Tuesday. Just goes to show you that Thigh Masters really does make you feel the burn.

- Reality show `Armed and Famous’ is set to premiere Wednesday night on CBS. The show stars Jack Osbourne, LaToya Jackson and Jason `Wee Man’ Acuna. In a late edit, the show has been re-named `Drugs, Surgery and Midgets’.

- Robin Williams won an award for comedy with the movie `RV’, which went directly to video. Williams, who salaciously rubbed Halle Berry and Queen Latifah on his way to the microphone, spoke for five minutes of his stint in rehab and his comedic influences. There was actually a point in the speech where, if you put your ear close enough to the TV, you could actually hear his career end.

- Queen Latifah hosted the People’s Choice awards Tuesday night. Queen, who was voted in by the 9 people who actually watched the awards, beat out Alf in voting 5-4. Alf did however appear via satellite from Melmac to accept his lifetime achievement award.

- Apple CEO Steve Jobs unveiled the new Iphone, which combines the Ipod, a cell phone and Internet access. Lacking on the Iphone however: common sense.

- 47-year old man, David Sullivan, was bitten by a scorpion Monday on his flight home from Chicago to Vermont. Sullivan, who apparently refused to put his tray table up while landing on an earlier flight, shivered in terror when he learned the scorpion’s name: Karma McTrayTable.
Apple CEO Steve Jobs unveiled the new Iphone, which combines the Ipod, a cell phone and Internet access. Jobs made mention of his next invention: the Iidea. Which is actually just the word `Idea’ on a post-it note. I just figured if Iput Iin front of Ianything, Iwould sell Ithousands. Im an Iidiot.

LUBAHN

So, Lubahn and I don't talk much, but we like each other. Friday he calls and leaves a sincere message, and I return the call shortly. As expected, I don't hear from him again, as his four minute phone window had expired. Why Brent do you even own a phone? You live in a drawer.

So I ask, who in this group has the oddest phone habits? Who's are the best, who's are the worst?

A) Lubahn - High, scared, or eating toast, if it's not Melissa or a weed guy from Perotti's, don't waste your time leaving a msg.
B) Mazur - Expect an enraged, screaming burst of profanity and familially charged sacreligion around 2:15 on Saturday night. As for M-F, don't call between 5am and 11pm.
C) Poortillo, Poortillo, Poortillo - He's once, twice, three times a caller. When Lee wants you, he wants you like a kid named Broderick wants hot cheetoes. Can't pick up because you're at a funeral? Portillo considers all unanswered calls a screen, so he attempts to phone bully you to answer. Like Ferris Bueller trying to wake Cameron up, ``He'll just keep calling''. He'll also call high on midday Saturdays.
D) Chambers - It's 5:11 on Tuesday. Chambers is in traffic and your phone's ringing. Nothing makes the Bone more open for convo than a little Bumper-to-bumper. This may also account for his 19 accidents, including two counts of vehicular manslaughter on a mailbox and a girl named Tim.
E) Brown - Also a traffic caller, however better known for his intense bursts of conversation during work hours. Limit work hour calls to Brown to 3 seconds. Somehow, at the end of a wound up Brown convo, you're the one sweating. Call him at a calmer time, maybe post-``me-time'' which falls, well, pretty much anytime after he ``gets off'' work. Ewww...
F) Kevin - Given our rare phone convos, I'm needing more feedback from those who chat with you more often. You don't strike me as uber-phoney (not phony) but you're quick with the text. Due to job requirements, I assume your phone habits are business oriented, meaning they have a mission and, once accomplished, Peace Out.
G) Faust - You're probably on the phone right now. This guy is gabbier than your grandma at a peanuckel party. Put the coffee on and hit mute, Faust is calling. A consistent answerer and will leave guilt-inflicting messages to inspire a return call.
H) Weiss - Is it just me or does anyone else get Poltergeist Weiss voice when you call him in AZ? Due to a defect in his abode (also known as Trail Lake fever), when he talks to you from home, his voice cracks more than when we used to say ``nards''. He is, however, available at work, a solid listener and one hell of a model Eastern European American.
H) Millbone - ``I'm not much of a phone guy''. He's not, but the boy can text. He also doesn't get to the phone much due to his commitment to slaying Jihadian carrier pidgeons named Lance.
J) Williams - Usually a return rate between 65-85%, which in IC terms, is doo-doo-teronomy. He can gab, usually about only himself, and tunes out after inquiring about the other in the exchange. He's also a ``multi-talker'' meaning he often attempts to perform other tasks while talking, such as feed meerkats, shoot skeet (get it?), and shave MC Escher images into his chest hairs.

This was fun. Lubahn is the obvious worst, but, him excluded, who do you vote for? Let's discuss. Happy Monday IC.

Chicago

TUESDAY MORNING COMING DOWN

Well, I woke up Tuesday morning, and had a nasty stinging pain, in my head,
I'd drank the night away doing pony keg stands and smoking American Spirits, in my bed.

I looked around the Hilton and saw the remnants of a weekend with great friends,
Wondering what happened to Friday and why God made Monday come to an end.

I gathered my bag and stumbled out onto the elevator, a lonely drunk looking for a smile,
couldn't help but remember a dancing Bears tailgate and aimless walking on the Magnificent Mile.

As each floor descended, a weekend memory passed,
as I saw Michael laugh-humping Ashley, and felt angry Kevin, putting his foot into my ass.

As I walked into the foyer, alone and in stench,
I longed for Clint's giddy laugh and saw Miller mouth-spray us into a drench.

The El was no place to be a man in solitude,
where I could still feel Faust's charm, and wanted to hug Lee and say, `Hey, Sorry dude'.

I rounded the corner to my home, stopping suddenly, when I thought I saw one of my brethren,
sadly laughing to myself, knowing that I was the lone remaining member, of what had been a mighty Eleven.

I sat in my bed early that night, mourning the pain of the Tuesday evacuees,
and knew what we have is special, what we have here, as the mighty ICs.

Maybe tomorrow will be better, but here on Wednesday I still mope around,
from that empty, hollow feeling, of Tuesday Morning Coming Down.

When Boise St. beat Oklahoma on Monday night, it was one of the best moments I think in college football history. For years I have been preaching against the words "Non-BCS Schools", and this game helped me solidify my argument.

Thank you Faust for not letting me go to the bathroom on 4th and 18 (the play before the Hook and Latter).

Every college footbal fan NEEDS to read this article and commit, it is a MUST-READ:

http://www.dfw.com/mld/dfw/sports/16373267.htm

Adam - Was there a pool at Japanaise?

Gentlemen, I will be the first to say it. I had a fucking great time this weekend. Certainly had its ups and downs but overall, couldn't have been much better.

I think the IC together on New Years needs to become an annual event. A tradition as they say here in Texas. While I probably won't be able to participate in the next one, unless it is in Argentina, I will definitely be at every one afterward. Any thoughts?