Monday, March 01, 2010
Friday, February 26, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
The IC Winter Olympiad
Ten days into the XXI Olympiad and, as the magic of the winter games would have it, we have seen a myriad of stories thus far from Vancouver. There have been moments of triumph, moments of pain. Moments heartwarming, moments heartbreaking. And, as always, mixed into it all, we've seen a splash of the bizarre and a dash things downright inexplicable.
Let's recap.
Starting off in the two-man bobsled, Weiss & Bear, the upstart kids representing the separatist nation of San Anton, proved that proper guidance pays dividends. Coached by Gino, 6-time summer and winter games Gold medalist, and Ginger, known as the "bobsled whisperer", the San Anton duo took Bronze over the weekend. Through 3-quarters of the race, the duo held a World Record time, though fell to 3rd when Weiss showed Kevin a Sean Elliott highlight video he uploaded on his Iphone. The distracted duo slammed into the barrier, flipped, and violently jostled across the finish line. During the awards ceremony, trainer Gino showed his disappointment by shitting on Brian's New Balances during the San Anton national anthem, which is a 12-minute chant of "Go Spurs Go!". President David Robinson was not impressed.
In the Luge, the Gold Medal was stripped by AusTexndian speedster Matthew Chambers when it was learned his Luge had four-wheel drive, glass packs and room for 19 people. Upon his disqualification, Chambers played the heart strings of the judges when he unearthed his son Luke (pronounced "Luge") from within his 4x4 apparatus. Chambers was quoted as saying, "As a kangaroo to a joey, I carry he with me always." Though not awarded a medal, the anthem of AusTexndian was played in honor of the proud father. The AusTexndian anthem consists of gun shots, deers screaming, Charley Daniels and Ice Cube.
The Ice Dancing competition is the one event that has created the most buzz this week, as we saw the first attempted murder in Olympiad history. Representing the little nation of "Love fUK", a British isle, Adam Faust, known as Fairy Blood, wowed the crowd with his display of angry acrobatics, as he screamed while fluttering through the air doing a triple lutz, and appeared to cry on two occasions during the 3-minute routine. Faust's stirring performance wowed the crowd, but judge Brian Boitano stripped him of a half point for his cacophonous shout of "Queer Scabs!" as his routine came to a close. The point adjustment, which dropped Faust to 4th, was learned by Faust as he worked out on his Ab-Roller after the routine. Smiling, Faust approached Boitano with the Ab-Roller and began hammering the 5'2'' Boitano, savagely yelling, "Now who is the Queer scab?! Now who is the Queer Scab?!" Faust has been removed from all official Olympic records and his performance here is never to be rebroadcast again.
In the speed skating competition, former freestyle walking ace Lee Portillo, representing Chile (the dog, not the country), generated some controversy this week as, in a perceived strategic manuever, chose to wear an all-white skating jersey, which matched both his skin tone and the color of the ice. During his first heat, all that could be seen of Portillo was his 5 oclock shadow and the black Puma emblems of his skates. Using this invisible-man esque appearance, "stubble" as he was referred to by announcers, became somewhat of a Vancouver sensation, as fans around the Olympic village have attempted to emulate his skin-matching chameleonic wardrobe. After crushing the competition through the first several rounds, "Stubble" added to his lore by showing up to Finals with only one skate. When asked where his other skate was, Portillo answered, "Uhhhhh, maybe in my car. Don't know." Without his needed skate and wearing only stained blue jeans, Stubble wasn't much of threat in the finals, finishing 8th at a time of 2 hours and 18 minutes.
The first snowboarder from Central America may have actually caused his country more disappointment than pride, as Adam Williams of Costa Rica had what Al Michaels, in his typical quotable way, referred to as "The most unforgettably forgettable performance in Winter Games history". Racing against 4 other competitors, Williams halted the start of the race when it was learned the track was of "Blue" moutain status. Williams, who says he only does "like really short Green hills", actually took off his snowboard in protest and walked the track, throwing snow at competitors and stopping to puke near the first set of moguls. When asked about his performance and decision to remove his board, Williams told reporters, quote: "I was a Division One athlete." He then paused and asked "Were you?" Before ample time was given to respond, he stated, "I didn't think so." He then cackle scream laughed and farted in the direction of the camera. The fart was reported as smelling quite bad.
Stay tuned for the remaining four events....
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Thursday, February 18, 2010
I sent forwarded this out from my iphone to a handful of IC members last night, but I think it deserves blog. This just happened 2 days ago. Notice the 67 year old's shirt.
Here's the article regarding the fight: http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2010/02/17/national/main6217265.shtml
Friday, February 12, 2010
being the stellar amigo i am, i've taken the responsibility of tending to casa mazur for the week whilst they wither away in caribbean climes.
they come back from their 6 day trip tomorrow night, and so far the house is still intact dogs and all. but, dont think i couldnt figure out a way to screw something up.
dfw was hammered for 20 hours yesterday with snow, and most tree branches have taken quite a pounding. a foreign exchange student(read immigrant day laborer) showed up earlier and offered to remove all fallen branches in exchange for pesos or tamales. i politely refused his services, thinking to myself i'll just move the branches.
this incoherent conversation-his english, my spanish- turned interesting when sam, the lab, decided to dart down the street. dead sprint. adios.
my twisted gray matter's first thought is "fuck, if this dog is dead, im gonna have to give mazur back that 100 bucks."
it's a dog, he'll find his way back, right?
yes, all's well. 45 minutes later, a neighborhood missing dog advocate, and collar reader, managed to corral the curious canine.
funny sidenote-- neighbor says sam immediately started humping his dogs.
mazurs are gone for 24 more hours, what could possibly go wrong?
they come back from their 6 day trip tomorrow night, and so far the house is still intact dogs and all. but, dont think i couldnt figure out a way to screw something up.
dfw was hammered for 20 hours yesterday with snow, and most tree branches have taken quite a pounding. a foreign exchange student(read immigrant day laborer) showed up earlier and offered to remove all fallen branches in exchange for pesos or tamales. i politely refused his services, thinking to myself i'll just move the branches.
this incoherent conversation-his english, my spanish- turned interesting when sam, the lab, decided to dart down the street. dead sprint. adios.
my twisted gray matter's first thought is "fuck, if this dog is dead, im gonna have to give mazur back that 100 bucks."
it's a dog, he'll find his way back, right?
yes, all's well. 45 minutes later, a neighborhood missing dog advocate, and collar reader, managed to corral the curious canine.
funny sidenote-- neighbor says sam immediately started humping his dogs.
mazurs are gone for 24 more hours, what could possibly go wrong?
Saturday, February 06, 2010
Friday, February 05, 2010
Monday, January 25, 2010
Monkey Mayhem
I'd like to think I have the dignity not to mock something for a physical defect, but I think I have reason here. Last weekend as I walked to my hotel room, a cleft lipped monkey crawled on an overhanging branch and hissed and sort of screamed at me, my roommate and the hotel guide. We all started running.
Five minutes later, he appeared again at the end of the following video.
Monday, January 18, 2010
HAPPY MLK DAY CRACKAS
A) It's been a year since the Bachelor party, which included Faust throwing his best man through a chair, a memorable night at Cheeks, Portillo inviting his family, Williams thrashing down the slopes and moostaches. Seems like a long time ago. A lot has changed for everybody...
B) I volunteered at the MLK museum (where he was murdered) in Memphis for about 6 months. It was pretty cool and made you pretty disappointed to be white. Truth. It was tough. His Dream speech is the most well known, but I always thought Mountaintop was the most powerful.
Food for thought:
"What has violence ever accomplished? What has it ever created? No martyr's cause has ever been stifled by an assassin's bullet. No wrongs have ever been righted by riots and civil disorders. A sniper is only a coward, not a hero, and an uncontrolled or uncontrollable mob is only the voice of madness - not the voice of the people."
- RFK, after MLK was slain
I don't necessarily agree with it, but thought it was Blog worthy.
Also, if you worked on MLK and got off work for President's Day, I think something's wrong with that. If you worked both, man, bummer. If you worked neither, your name is probably Kevin Raldymple.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
After arriving at the Dalrymples on Tuesday night- in a scene straight out of Perfect Strangers- Kevin Dalrymple and Brian Weiss were in the backyard with a metal detector trying to find Kevin's wedding ring. He lost said ring while tossing the football with Brian the night before. Brian, who has great experience at losing important things, found the ring minutes after we arrived.
In other news, Two members of the IC are moving out of Texas. Can you name them?
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Thursday, January 07, 2010
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