Dearest Humans who generate laughter, entertainment and inspire immorality,

When Brian Weiss ``dissed'' my attempt at `Jam o' the week' and suggested a Hip-Hop selection, I gots tos thinkings. Seeing as that my ghetto experience in Tennekee has crunked me up and endeared me to the lyrical echoes of Hip-Hop, I wondered...If we were Rappers, which oh which one would we be...........?


Lubahn: Slim Shady.
Easy right? It gets better. Marshall Mathers, aka Eminem, was arrested over the summer in Detroit for punching a man in the restroom of a Strip Club.

Insert edit: Brent Lubahn, aka Jack's Baby Momma, was arrested at Fort Worth's NON strip club this summer for repeated Shin Kicks to his `Best Man' AFaustizzle. As for cause, Lubahn blamed an unidentified substance ``Da Irty''. He then clapped his hands together in short, sharp bursts while yelling ``oooooooohhhhh''.


Portillo: Ludacris
This guy is always in need of a shave and hurcut. He also keeps his themes primitive and simple, as evidenced by his album `Chicken and Beer'. Distancing himself from others, Ludtillo has stirred up some political commentary:

Shout out to Bill O'Reilly, I'm'a throw you a curve
You mad cause I'm a thief and got away with words
I'm'a start my own beverage, it'll calm your nerves
Pepsi's the New Generation?—Blow it out cha ass!

Hmm, unitelligble banter, sounds fuhmilyer.


Kevin: Bubba Sparxxxx
After extensive research, I just couldn't imagine Kevin black. It just doesn't fit. Black guys don't like Pink Floyd and Rex Grossman. They don't even know who they are. Bubba is known to enjoy a bottle of beam, a splif of gonja and a female, as in understood in this poetic brilliance:

``But I got to drank, cant even thank, unless I'm tanked, I'm already high ''


Mazur: Lupe Fiasco
This little guy is known from his rapper fashion eclecticities, including white and green shoes and adidas jackets. Known as a devout Muslim/Catholic, Lupe is yet to get a tattoo, however his experiments in Henna indicate his interest. Both are Kanye cronies.


Weiss: Prince
Curly hair, crushed velvet attire and eye-liner. It's a match. Sorry Weiss, as you know I think you're much more like RuPaul, but I can see you yelling `Shoot the Jumper. Shoot it!'' in a game of shirts versus blouses. I can also see you changing your name to a symbol and understanding what it sounds like when doves cry.


Miller: Master P
Did you know Master's P's real name is Percy MILLER. Read: `While Miller was tempted by the lure of the street hustling that was a part of life in inner-city Round Rock, he developed an entrepreneurial streak early on, as well as a passion for sports. Miller used his skills as a baseball player to earn an Imaginary college scholarship to the University of Stanford, where he studied Solitaire''
Wow, uncanny. Also, who else can more accurately be described as ``A No Limit Soldier''.


Clint: MC Hammer
Is it just me, or can you all envision MC Brown with the ``staircase'' or ``claw marks'' shaved into his head? Alongisde the blatant fashion foopahs and massive fortune, Clint is the only one of us who I feel is ``Too Legit to Quit''. And Clint, if you read this, ``Please Hammer, don't hurt me''.


Chambone: Andre 3000
He's sort of the punk of the Rap industry, with his absurd clothing and vibrant style. Now, Bone, yes, you probably received the most complimentary nomination, and besides Stankonia wreaking like you, Andre's aliases are: "Dre" (his original moniker), "Possum Aloysius Jenkins", "Dookie", the reversed "Benjamin André" and "Johnny Vulture". All I can think of are Radcat, Sticks, Skinny kid, Ravealicious, Tabathon, Ecstacyasaurs, and Bone, which are of course, your aliases.


Faust: Lil Wayne or Lil' Weezy
Did you know Lil Weezy, who hails from New Orleans, got his start from his Daddy, Da Birdman, and his latest rhyme is titled `Stuntin' Like My Daddy' from the Album `Like Father, Like Son'. Also, Weezy is not the most humble cat from da Dirty Souf' as is evidenced by his song titled `Best Rapper Alive', with an opening chorus touting "Who am I...the best rapper alive."

In recent Weezy news: He was recently arrested on charges of possession of less than 1 ounce of marijuana and possession of a controlled substance. Police claim the rapper was in possession of several unlabeled bottles — one containing 60 pills of Paxil, that is used to treat anxiety disorders and panic attacks; another containing 59 hydrocodone pills — along with "two small burnt joints of marijuana," the report read.

That's eerie.


Butz: Eazy E
Died of AIDS. Rest in Peace Young Blood.

Some similiarities between the Rapping legend and St. Louy legend:
He was 5'5".
He used to drive a red Suzuki Samurai.

Quotes
"I don't give a fuck what color you are. The color of money is green."
"I use condoms. I don't want to fuck around with AIDS and herpes and all that. But, if I need it, I got a big-ass bottle of tetracycline and another gang of pills."


A-Chub: Ice Cube
Now, you might think I'm proud of this nomination, I however, am not. Despite the similarities in proportion (chubby), Ice Cube was fired from his job in Friday for stealing. Last week, I, A-Chub, was fired from my job for being a lazy azz cracka. This Friday, I'm coming home to Dallas and will undoubtedly cross paths with my friend ``Smoky'' Faust. I can see it now: Friday night, after an unsucessful evening of attempting to charm girls named Tiffany, we will stumble into his apartment, where, after a few cigarettes, he'll pull out his tool box and say ``C'mon man, it's Friday. You aint got no job, and you aint got shit to do!''.

Then I'll kick a giant's ass in the street and drink kool-aid.

PEEEEAZZZ OUT HONKEYS!!

One