I want to take a quick minute to bring up a very real problem. No one seems to want to talk about, but we need to talk about it. Unicorns are REAL and very dangerous. So why aren't we doing anything about it. They constantly loiter in my front yard. Frolicking around and what not, leaving excrement where they may. The other day one threw a beer bottle at me as I walked out to my truck. Do you realize how demeaning it is to have a beer bottle thrown at you by a Unicorn? I asked if they'd mind taking their party somewhere else, boy was that a mistake. As one replied "FUCK YOU PUSSY", the others performed a circle jerk around my bird bath. Last week I accidentally plowed through one on my way home from work. Holy shit. That was scary. His homeboy followed me on the interstate for a good 10 miles. You talk about a nervous wreck. It's very intimidating to look in your rearview mirror doing 70 on the highway and see two big bright red eyes of a Unicorn come barreling at you. He was a fast fucking unicorn. I was finally able to lose him after he crashed into a light pole but not before that fucker did some serious body damage to my vehicle. My neighbors cat and litter of kittens had been missing for a week. Well she found a video in her mailbox with a post it note on it with "Watch this or die Honky" written on it. She watched it. It was a video of a Unicorn eating her cat and the litter of kittens. Her dog won't come outside anymore. The last time it ventured outdoors 18 unicrons performed a train on its ass. To top it all off one of the unicrons tattoed CUM DUMPSTER into his coat with its horn. Look, these things are fucked up. We have to do something about it before this goes any further. Who has some ideas on how to deal with this problem?