The long awaited

ROUND ONE
Let's take it one fight at a time. Everyone chime in with other versions of the fight and an official vote on who you think would win...

THE BATTLE OF THE PLATES

This is the 3 versus 10 matchup. Let's take a quick look at the fighters before we get into the action.

Lee Matthew Portillo, a feisty middleweight from San Antonio, Texas, credits his scrappy fighting technique and gruff disposition to being ridiculed in his youth for his premature bearding (age 9), 19 second `Uuuuuummmm'' pauses and st-st-st-stuttering p-p-problems. B-b-but as Lee states, `What ddddoes not kkkkill me, 0nly made me, uuuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmmmmmmmm, stronger.'

Brent Scott Lubahn, a delicate featherweight from Minnesota, says his love for fighting is more from a promotional standpoint, as he claims he would rather be the one instigating a clash than participating in one. However, for today's exception, BS Lubahn says he has spent extra time training, dedicating a daily 30 minutes of shin roundhouses to his wife, son and dyslexic dogs. Also, in preparation for the fight, Brent has downed a bottle of 6$ red wine to redden his teeth, making him look rabid, and has swallowed 4 shots of Southern Comfort to alleviate his social awkwardness.

The controversy between these two stems from the ``Great Plate Debate'' of late 2003. BS Lubahn cowardly claims that former friend and roommate Lee stole his K-Mart plastic Moose plates, which Melissa plastered and painted and Atilla peed on. Portillo states he is innocent of plate theft, but guily of pleasuring himself on Brent's computer and rancor odor. Today, the Plate Debate will be shattered, forever...

FIGHT LOCATION: Where their friendship was forever altered: 4724 Trail Lake

FIGHT!

The fight opens in the front yard, with Brent nabbing the first blow, as he pointed down the street and asking `Is that Eleah?' Portillo turned and Lubahn struck Lee's shin with a volley to the shin. OUCH! Lee grabs his shin and Lubahn slaps Lee in the face, causing his recently fixed teeth to fly into the street. Enraged, Lee stands and fright overcomes Lubahn, who runs behind the immovable 4724 stump. Portillo, blinded by rage and faltering $2 sunglasses, charges Lubahn, only to fall in the infamous 4724 hole, which Lubahn covered with a plate. Portillo's fall leaves him writhing in pain. Lubahn laughs, but, as his confidence grows, the Trail Lake homeless skateboarder pulls into the driveway. Lubahn is terrified and runs into the house, turning off all the lights and hiding under his sheets, which are marred by Bailey's chewmarks. Outside, the Trail Lake skateboarder and Lee befriend one another and speak of their drifter adventures and Nietzche's existentialism. The skateboarder gives Portillo mushrooms in exchange for Lee's teeth fillings. The skateboarder then boards a Greyhound and heads south to Buenos Aires. Saddened by the exit of a true soul, Lee rings the firehouse-alert doorbell. Brent sneaks out of the backdoor, grabs a tiki-torch and approachs Lee from behind. Lubahn whacks Portillo in the back, but the magic mushrooms have created a shield around Lee, which electocutes Brent, sending him flying back into the garage door. As he falls, he lands on the far brick wall of 4724, creating a HUGE dent in the bricks, thus resolving another long-lasting 4724 saga. Portillo then walks to Brent's body, puts it over his shoulder and walks to the Oui. There, Lee meets and hits on a 40-something woman and Lubahn remains passed out on a stool. Melissa walks in with Stadler, Dana and the crew. Melissa is steamed to find Brent passed out in public again. Stadler says `He must have drank his dinner!'' While he laughs, Portillo turns and rips off Stadler's head and beats Dana to death with it. Yes! Yes! Yes! Portillo, now drunk, takes Lubahn over his shoulder again and walks to Kevin and BW's house to get high. When he arrives, he places Lubahn on the ground and puts a stereo by his passed out head. Portillo then goes and plays `See who can eat grass' with Bear, thus exhausting Portillo. Lubahn awakes and walks into the front yard, where he finds Portillo on the porch. He surprises Portillo with a shin kick, putting Lee on the ground. Lubahn repeatedly kicks Lee, looking as if he will win the fight. But, as if a gift from God, Lee sees a box of PanBurger lying on the ground. He crawls to it, pours it into his mouth and jumps to his feet. Lubahn, again scared, turns to run, but Lee, a la San Diego hotel night, Wolverine jumps on Lubahn. Taking off his shirt, Lee begins rubbing his `chest vest' on Lubahn's face. Lubahn is squirming but, as he considers conceding, sees Bailey running towards them. He calls frantically `Bailey! Come Here girl! Bailey!'' Unfortunately for Brent, when Bailey arrives, she does not assist, simply grabs Lubahn's shoes and chews them visciously. As second degree burns develop, Lubahn gives up, granting victory to Portillo. The two get up and, in a true show of camaraderie, return to Trail Lake, get high and watch Reno 911. They eat toast and chimichanga's on, what else, the missing Moose plates.

Lee dedicates his winnings to the `Katie Clay Japonais' foundation.
Brent, who was compensated in hearty steak soup, dedicates his winnings to the `AARD: Adoption Agency of Retarded Dogs' foundation.

Portillo moves on to face the winner of THE BATTLE OF THE BONG