Lee Mathew Portillo, 77, Doctor of Scientology

Lee Portillo died yesterday in a fatal car accident. While driving his vintage hatchback (that had no roof and no steering wheel) he was run over by a 2059 Hummer XXX. Police said the accident could have been avoided if Portillo wasn't on his "cell phone" which was simply a tin can on a string. Phone reports indicate Portillo was on a 6-way call with his mom, sister, cousin, brother-in-law, wife, and best friend attempting to coerce them all to meet that evening for one box of Tuna Helper®. He survived by his hot wife and nano-dog.