IC Olympiad comes to unforgettable close

It's all said and done here in Vancouver and, as we look back at the two weeks that were, we recap the unforgettable instances from the events and competitors that left an indelible mark on the Winter Olympiad. The games may never be the same.

For me, it was the biathlon competition that continues to swim in my mind. It's actually caused me some sleepless nights of late.

Representing the province of Round RockHard, Marc "the marksman" Miller will forever be remembered for bringing the obscure sport of the biathlon into the international eye. On race day, despite torrential snowfall Miller elected to wear only an unzipped olive fleece, rose colored shorts, wayfarer sunglasses and his skis. Wielding his favorite rifle on his back, Miller started slow before reverting to a series of somewhat unsportsmanlike tactics to advance in the group. In eighth place, Miller moved into 7th by stabbing a Slovakian skiier in the calf with his skipole. He moved into sixth after causing a Polish skier to dry-heave when he blew what he later called his "intergalactic lactic burp" into the Pole's face, and into fourth by "coconut-ing" the heads of a Canadian and Finish skier. With only 500 meters remaining, Miller and crew stopped to fire at the targets. After scoring direct hits on the first two targets, Miller's third shot richocheted off the top of the target and struck the wife of the third place Russian skiier in the vagina. She screamed for her husband who pulled himself from the competition to attend to his ailing wife. Interestingly, it was Miller's first miss of the competition and it appeared he said "oops" and smirked when he heard the shout of the woman.

Now in medal contention, Miller neared the first two competitors as they raced for the finish line. Miller then reached into his fleece and withdrew an empty bottle of green tea. Miller burped into the bottle and added tin foil before capping it. A la MarioKart, Miller then lobbed the bottle in the path of the Swede and Norwegian. The bottle burst and a brownish haze rose into the air, causing both skiiers and 18 audience members to collapse into the snow. Miller, hands held high in triumph, skiied across the finish line, where he removed his fleece and cackled laughed. In a post race interview where he was questioned on the fairness of his victory, Miller responded to the question with a question of his own. "Does quiefing hurt?" Stunned, the reporter did not respond. Miller then answered, "Neither does winning." Later that night in the Olympic Village, Miller reportedly slapped a Mountie with his gold medal and pissed on Apollo Ohno's dormroom door.